Secret Recording: Donald Trump's Candidate Interview

I didn’t know this, but although every red-blooded American has the right to run for President, you can’t run as a candidate for President from either major party unless you are approved by that party’s National Committee. They have their standards.

I found out about this the other day when, unannounced, someone sent me an anonymous email of the transcript of Donald Trump’s job interview to run as a Republican. Here it is:

RNC: So, you are…

THE DONALD: Donald J. Trump.

RNC: And it says here you build tall buildings?

THE DONALD: Just look around. There’s one out the window there.

RNC: And you’re married and have three wives?

THE DONALD: You could put it that way. Ivana, Marla and Melania. All foreigners.

RNC: Children?

THE DONALD: A bunch. Many, many. And the best, let me tell you.

RNC: What’s your opinion on immigration?

THE DONALD: I am in favor of immigration. You get a ticket with a number on it. Get in the line. Wait. Some people wait a long time. People cut the line, it upsets them. Wouldn’t that upset you, if you were an immigrant? I’m not saying you are, but just if. So those foreigners sneaking the line, they all have to go home.

RNC: You said your wives are foreigners.

THE DONALD: Yes. But they’re good foreigners. Czechoslovakia. Slovenia. Georgia. I’m talking Mexicans. They have to go home. They sneak in. Millions of them. Rapists, murderers, drug addicts. Bad people. There’s a few good hombres, I suppose. So we’ll find out. We’ll go into their homes late at night. They have to go.

RNC: So you don’t like Mexicans.

THE DONALD: No, I didn’t say that. I just said it for the ones who snuck the line. I mean, I married three.

RNC: You mentioned Slovenia, Czechoslovakia and Georgia.

THE DONALD: I meant the bad ones. There’s this judge where people are suing me because of Trump University. He’s a Mexican. And he knows I’m going to build a wall to keep more Mexicans from coming in. So he rules against me. When I’m President, he’s got to go. We throw him out. Get a new judge.

RNC: Tell me about the wall. That’s a very expensive thing to do.

THE DONALD: Mexico will pay for the wall. Believe me, when I get done with them, Mexico will be glad to pay for the wall.

RNC: What about all those people fleeing the war in Syria. Could they immigrate to the United States?

THE DONALD: No. Not until we can figure out what is happening. Then, maybe.

RNC: What about Muslims?

THE DONALD: No Muslims either. No Muslims, no Mexicans, no Mauritanians. Anybody with an M. As for the war, we created a vacuum when Mr. Obama pulled us out of Syria. Then boom! ISIL came in. Now they are in 57 countries. Obama started the war.

RNC: Fifty-seven countries?

THE DONALD: Obama started it because he was born there. He’s an ally of the enemy. He never should have been allowed to be President. He’s a foreigner. And it’s 55 countries, I think, not 57. That’s ketchup. And it’s ISIS. Not ISIL.

RNC: They’re the same thing.

THE DONALD: No, they’re not. The generals know nothing.

RNC: Have you developed a foreign policy?

THE DONALD: When I get elected, ISIL will be over. That night. I’ll bomb the crap out of them. Bomb the crap out of North Korea. Pull the plug under the artificial islands the Chinese created. Down they go.

RNC: Anything else?

THE DONALD: Terrible deals we made with China and Japan and those other countries. I’ll tear up those deals soon as I’m elected. I make new deals. They’ll be the best deals, believe you me. America will be great again.

RNC: What do you think about women?

THE DONALD: I love women. They’re the best. I own a beauty contest. That’s how much I love them. I can’t resist. I see a beautiful woman, I have to kiss them. Grab them by the p—-y. You can do anything.

RNC: What do you think about education?

THE DONALD: I own a university. Or I did. The kids got uppity with their lawsuits. So I closed it. End of story.

RNC: Are you prepared to reveal your income tax returns. Any problem with that?

THE DONALD: None at all. Except, I think I just heard the IRS is going to audit mine. So if that happens, I can’t release it.

RNC: Why is that?

THE DONALD: I just said so. Look, this is personal, income tax returns. Don’t go there.

RNC: I just have to ask these questions.

THE DONALD: Any more? You can be replaced, you know.

RNC: Just a few. What’s your opinion about the military?

THE DONALD: The worst. Right now, it’s cut back so much we couldn’t even win a war with Paraguay. And Paraguay is threatening. You better believe it.

RNC: How would you fix the military?

THE DONALD: I would build the American military back up to be the mightiest of the mighty. As it once was. People would tremble when they thought about the American military. They don’t tremble now. It’s embarrassing.

RNC: How would you pay for it?

THE DONALD: Our allies would pay for it. All those countries—Germany, South Korea, Japan, Saudi Arabia—they’re just sitting there with piles of money. They want us to defend them? We’ve been doing it for free. Now they have to pay their fair share. A million for a tank. Ten million for an airplane. I can do a deal like nobody else.

RNC: What about Russia?

THE DONALD: Putin is a great, great leader for Russia. I haven’t met him, but look what he’s done. I dream about him sometimes. I’m asleep, and sometimes he shows up there. I don’t know how he does it.

RNC: They say he is hacking America’s internet.

THE DONALD: He’s not.

RNC: What’s your opinion of ObamaCare?

THE DONALD: I have a letter from my doctor here. I am the healthiest man on the planet Earth, it says. Here.

RNC: Wow. Thank you. That’s all my questions. You’ll be hearing from us shortly.

THE DONALD: You know, you can be replaced.

RNC: We’re not going to have any problem with your candidacy.

THE DONALD: So the fix is in.