Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 26–December 2, 2016

Week of November 26–December 2, 2016
Riders this past week: 13,233
Rider miles this past week: 76,141

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Jerry Seinfeld and his wife Jessica were seen taking the subway from East Hampton to Amagansett with a bunch of teenagers. All wore baseball uniforms. General Albert Haroldson of the Army Corps of Engineers was seen last Thursday morning traveling from Amagansett to Montauk. An aide carried architectural plans for the beach there. The General sat with his arms folded all the way.

SCRUB A DUB DUB
Hamptons Subway is embarking on what we hope will become an annual tradition. During the week of December 4 to 10, everyone come on down to the Montauk Subway yards next to the railroad station there to scrub all our subway trains clean. They’ve become quite dirty and dusty from all the hard work they’ve had to do all summer. And the maintenance staff at the Yards doesn’t clean. They are too busy doing engine repairs every night.

And so, between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m., bring scrub brushes, soap, towels and big pots of water and get cracking. Our foreman will assign you a car. You’ll join 19 others, 10 to do the inside and 10 the outside. Think of it as your way of giving back to the community for the good service these cars have provided you every year. And don’t forget to wash them behind the ears. And wear rubber gloves and old clothes. Seeing the cars shined up is your proud reward.

RECOUNT
Giuseppe Rossetti, well-known barber in the Hamptons Subway office building in Hampton Bays, was the lone challenger to incumbent Bill Aspinall’s drive to win the annual election for Hamptons Subway Commissioner. Only employees of Hamptons Subway can vote. Mr. Aspinall has won for each of the last 10 years.

This year the voting was 94 for Aspinall and 1 for Rossetti. But now Rossetti has asked for a recount. It must be completed by December 15 when Aspinall receives the traditional green wool sock signifying his successful campaign for another year. “It’s a scam is what it is,” Aspinall said when he heard of it. “The fix is in.” Rossetti said he called for the recount just because he wanted to make sure the election was on the up and up. Didn’t matter who won. “Also,” he said, “you would think my ex-wife would have voted for me, after all those fine years we had together.” Divorce will do that to you.

OLD ENGLISH
Last week, Commissioner Aspinall hired former London Tube Vice President Sir Andrew Collins Brooks as our new Vice Commissioner. Aspinall said to the press when he hired him, “we think the subway can use a bit of the upper class sprinkled upon us, yes?” Well apparently no.

Sir Collins-Brooks’s first act as Vice Commissioner was to change the recording “Watch out for the closing door” announcement on all the trains to something more polite. But after he made the change, many people complained that, because they stopped to listen to the message, it didn’t leave them enough time to get off the train before the doors completely closed. The Commissioner went down onto one of the platforms, something he rarely does, to hear the message himself. He heard “I say, fellows, step back, and keep well away from those frightful subway doors, won’t you?” Mr. Collins-Brooks was gone by nightfall.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Next week we receive the taller subway cars from our manufacturer in Canada. You’ll have lots more headroom in them. I’m pretty sure they are not so tall that they won’t fit in the tunnels.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY