Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of February 16–22, 2017

Week of February 16–22, 2017
Riders this past week: 1,317,411
Rider miles this past week: 9,107,422

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Many important people were seen on the Hamptons Subway this past week by our spotters, but none were Commissioner Bill Aspinall, who spent the week overseeing the subway service from the desk in the study of his oceanfront mansion in Southampton.

UH OH
This week’s Hamptons Newsletter copy was delivered to us by Commissioner Aspinall’s chauffeur once again, not by email from the regular Newsletter staff. It appears from the number of riders he has counted that he is making things up again. The rest of this is probably from him personally. The last time this happened he was taken to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. —Dan’s Papers Editor

RALLY FOR MR. ASPINALL
A rally of supporters for Mr. Aspinall took the microphone one after another at a special rally for him on the Southampton platform on Thursday. The supporters all told him how much they loved him. Others who didn’t love him were kept out. Over half a million people attended. A record.

SANCTUARY SUBWAY
Hamptons Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall has recently learned that Hamptons Subway has had an “Extreme” Sanctuary Subway System for years. The program, put into place before Commissioner Aspinall took office, feeds and houses only the worst illegal alien criminals from Mexico and other places in a large warehouse entered from a steel door on the north wall of the subway system between East Hampton and Amagansett. All have been declared the most hardened criminals by cities around the country and sent here at night in special blacked-out subway cars. At taxpayer expense, they receive the best of health care, entertainment, yoga, exercise classes, shelter, gourmet dining and massage.

Robberies are common in the Hamptons Subway Sanctuary Shelter. So are gang shootings and brass knuckle fistfights, on which people place bets. Six Card Monte is rampant, as is pickpocketing and burglary, which occurs after everyone is asleep in the fine feather beds.

Commissioner Aspinall, having discovered this hellhole has ordered a new Hamptons Subway jobs program to vastly increase the number of employees on the Hamptons Subway security staff from 35 to 100,000. New trainees are armed with machine guns for the expected attack to clean out this rat pack sometime next week. All these illegal aliens will be swiftly deported to the planets they came from.

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