Amagansett

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of February 9–15, 2017

By Dan Rattiner

4 minute 02/13/2017

Commissioner Aspinall underwent psychiatric evaluation this week, Photo: rasslava, Ron Sumners/123RF

Week of February 9–15, 2017
Riders this past week: 13, 912
Rider miles this past week: 126,332

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Lady GaGa was seen on the Hamptons Subway train last Thursday evening heading from Amagansett toward Napeague, and, when the train surfaced for the overhead run down the Napeague stretch, she climbed out one of the subway car windows and up on top of the car in her Spandex and high heels and bayed at the moon until just before the overhead run went back into the tunnel at Hither Woods. Also seen on the Hamptons Subway heading from Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor last Thursday was Gerry Mallow, the owner of the Sag Harbor Cinema. He was carrying large metal film reel cans.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL DOING BETTER
Our Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall was taken to Southampton Hospital last Tuesday at 11:28 p.m. for observation and testing. Every day during the prior week, he had issued all sorts of executive orders, including his firing of the editorial staff of The Hamptons Subway Newsletter so he could write it himself, which resulted in him announcing in these pages that over two million people rode the subway last week, which was simply wrong. He also ordered that only people of certain religions could ride the subway, the creation of a “punishment” board to deal with the candidacy of Giuseppe Salvatore, who had challenged him for his job of Commissioner and lost the week before, and the installation of framed photographs of himself on the walls at every platform looking down at people coming through the turnstiles. The end came when he ordered these very same photographs taken down and replaced with ones twice that size—the Members of the Board of Directors, usually his friends, called in doctors who ordered him taken to the Psychiatric Wing of Southampton Hospital for observation, where he is today. Reports from friends visiting in the hospital say that doctors have determined he took some kind of unauthorized drug. They are flushing it out of his system and he could be coming home soon.

MUSLIM BAN STILL ON
Commissioner Aspinall’s ban on all Mexicans and Muslims, and any other people whose heritage begins with an M, to cease using the subway, was the last order issued before he was taken away, went into effect 11:14 p.m. that night and there is no one today with a enough authority to rescind it. As a result, nearly 200 people who got onto the subway system and were still on it when it went into effect, have been going round and around in the system ever since. As a result, potential riders who are not Muslim or Mexicans, or any of the other M words, are advised to stay clear of the cars where these people are being detained.

MORE MONEY FOR THE TROUT POND TURN
Surveyors have been out again at Trout Pond making plans to soften the sharp curve that takes the trains around it when heading from Noyac to Sag Harbor. Previous attempts have failed. One in 1999 simply moved the sharp turn to after you go around the pond and, because of some derailings afterwards, had to be abandoned. Another attempt, in 2007, worked well for a few days, but then all the water leaked out of the pond when one train hit a bump, leaving a scummy bottom of floppy fish. What a mess. Hamptons Subway intends to get it right this time.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
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