Dan's Papers Will No Longer Publish Satire or Hoaxes

As we continue transitioning into a new era in America and the Hamptons, Dan’s Hamptons Media is making a commitment today, on April 1, to never again publish satire, farce, humor or hoax stories—what many now call “fake news”—in Dan’s Papers.

Moving forward, as of today, April 1, Dan’s Hamptons Media is shifting our focus to the hard-hitting news that matters. It’s our hope that as of April 1, 2017, our readers will enjoy Dan’s Papers not for a few laughs or to read about fake Hamptons Subway systems, seagull whistles, deer killing lions, the Hamptons Police Department submarine, the Great Ecuadorian Eel, Derwood Hodgegrass, Old Man McGumbus or any other such farcical stories—but to find recaps of local zoning board meetings, school board election results, tax code changes and coverage of real crime and the important issues currently vexing our wonderful East End community.

Starting today, April 1, we will no longer publish the Hamptons Subway column, and the Hamptons Police Blotter will now only contain real police news about real local police departments in Southampton Town, Southampton Village, East Hampton Town, East Hampton Village and Sag Harbor Village. We’re talking about real news all the time. Unless someone cracks a joke at your local CAC meeting, don’t expect to laugh when reading Dan’s Papers.

Additionally, Dan Rattiner, our founder and president, will no longer be permitted to publish stories that bend the truth or fly in the face of good sense and reason. We’d also like to clarify that Dan will drop out of the 2020 election for President of the United States. And he’s trading in his signature Panama hat for tasteful and conservative business attire—where hats have no place.

All these positive changes announced today, on April 1, will bring our readers a whole new world of content, delivered daily on DansPapers.com, and weekly in the pages of Dan’s Papers.

April 1 is a momentous day in the 57-year history of Dan’s Papers and we seriously hope it will be remembered as such, and not for being April Fools Day—a day of which we, of course, want no part.