Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of July 27–August 2, 2017

Week of July 27–August 2, 2017
Riders this past week: 43,817
Rider miles this past week: 203,744

DOWN IN THE TUBE
The award-winning author of Passages, Gail Sheehy, was seen taking a passage on the subway westbound toward Bridgehampton from Wainscott last Wednesday. Jon Stewart and David Letterman, both with full beards, were seen talking to each other on the subway between Sag Harbor and Noyac on Tuesday.

TWO HOSPITALIZED AFTER PRANK
Riders waiting for the westbound train heading out of downtown Montauk at 6:30 a.m. on Monday were so shocked at what they saw coming out of the tunnel that two of them fainted and had to be taken to Southampton Hospital for treatment. The maintenance crew that cleans and maintains the system during the night had returned to the Montauk Yards at 4 a.m. and had festooned the front of the lead car out of the station that morning with an enormous angry killer shark, its mouth open, its razor sharp teeth exposed. It roared into its first stop with the headlamp on and the horn honking. Panic ensued. The shark train never got past the first stop. It caused a half-hour delay until it was put onto the siding, where, even there, it terrified people.

When management learned of this prank and what had happened because of it, they fired the two workmen who had done this, or at least informed them that when their union contract expired it would not be renewed. The pranksters are Wilson Gladstone and Ephraim MacPherson.

FIFTH ANNIVERSARY
Next Thursday is the fifth anniversary of what has become known as the “Sneetch” encounter. A thing of legend, it came about because two motormen on two trains approaching each other from the north and south at the West Sag Harbor station, found themselves on the same track. Each had received instructions from the flagmen to use that track and neither trainman would budge. A delay of one day became two days as neither the South Going Motorman or the North Going Motorman would agree to move. They had their instructions. All train service was halted everywhere in the system as a result.

On the second day, the five cars attached to the front car of the north going motorman were unhitched and pulled away while the same thing was done to the south going motorman’s car. The removed cars were attached to the trains just behind and those trains were switched out to a second set of tracks so the service could be resumed. The last time anybody looked, which was four months ago, the two motormen in the two cars have continued to remain right where they are. And that’s why the West Sag Harbor Station has had to be closed all these years. People observe this holiday by wearing T-shirts with stars on their bellies.

THREE MORE MEETINGS WITH THE RUSSIANS
Senior Presidential Advisor Jared Kushner, who is married to Donald Trump’s daughter, has now acknowledged that he and five campaign executives met with seven Russian operatives on the Hamptons Subway Private Railroad Car that runs under its own steam at night when chartered by private individuals. Tapes made of the meeting confirm, however, that all they discussed at each of these meetings was their favorite flavor of Baskin Robbins Ice Cream. Hamptons Subway provided quarts and pints for sampling.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
My mid-summer report is out to the stockholders. It says that in the first half of the summer we did just about as well as in the first half of the summer last year and we project we will do either the same or better than last year for the last half of this summer.

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