Hamptons Subway Newsletter: November 30–December 6, 2017

By Dan Rattiner

5 minute 12/04/2017

Will Commissioner Aspinall be the 2017 Time Man of the Year? Photo: Elnur Amikishiyev, Vladimir Zapletin, Rui Vale De Sousa/123RF

Week of November 30–December 6, 2017
Riders this past week: 37,812
Rider miles this past week: 117,911

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Seen on Hamptons Subway this week was book publisher Marty Shepard heading from Noyack to Sag Harbor on Thursday morning. He was reading a book about a swindle on a Kindle with his left hand and a book about a crook on a Nook with his right, at the same time. On his lap he had open a paperback about a six-pack—the beer, not the exercise gear.

HEIST
With all the focus here to try to prevent extreme religious incidents on the platforms, we were caught off guard by a gang of bandits on horseback wearing cowboy hats pulling off a holdup in one of the tunnels. It happened on Monday at midnight halfway between Southampton and Water Mill. A man waving a six-shooter in his left hand, while swinging a lantern with the other, jumped out in front of the train and got the attention of the motorman who brought the subway train quickly to a halt. After the train stopped, 14 men on horseback came out of a storage room on the south side of the tunnel shouting “Yippee ki-yay!” as they surrounded the subway train. The men then dismounted, tied their horses to the motormen’s car and went in among the passengers to tie up everybody and put kerchiefs in their mouths as gags while saying, “Nobody gets hurt if you all behave.” They were courteous and nice and their leader said they were the Emily Post Gang, whatever that is. They made off with stocks and bonds, jewelry and watches, cash and credit cards—picking the joint clean. We’ve organized a posse to go out looking for them, but because they headed out an hour behind the gang, the gang made a clean getaway. We’re working on a plan for tomorrow morning, writing it down with a stick in the dirt between the tracks at the Southampton Station with everybody huddled around. We’ll get ’em.

TIME MAGAZINE
Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall was telephoned by Time magazine telling him he was on the short list for the title of Man of the Year and wanted to know whether, if he was selected, he would be available to do jumping jacks on a high wire, sing along with a Karaoke version of “On Top of the World” by the Carpenters and then pose nude from the waist down. He said sure, but then, turns out that their selection is to be someone else. Sure put a damper in his camper after he told everybody he was a shoe-in for this job.

BETROTHED
Contrary to all accounts in the media, Prince Harry proposed to Lady Meghan Markle not after getting back from a camping trip in Botswana, Africa last Thursday, but actually on the Wednesday of the week before, here at the Wainscott Station just before heading out to the East Hampton Airport and the giant Lear Jet with the Union Jack flags fluttering on both wings which subsequently flew them directly to Johannesburg. Another feather in the Hamptons Subway hat.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I’ve been home this week sick in bed watching old black and white movies on Turner Classic Movies. Some of them are wonderful, particularly those starring Tom Mix, who traipses around in an all-white cowboy outfit. They had a whole day of his films on Thursday. I also watched a day of Abbott and Costello movies and all the Star Wars movies, in order, one after the other on other days. And I slept a lot.