Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of December 21–27, 2017

By Dan Rattiner

4 minute 12/25/2017

Julianne Moore and Scarlett Johansson rode the Hamptons Subway this week, Photo: Mariusz Blach, Vereshchagin Dmitry, buzzfuss/123RF, Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images Entertainment/Thinkstock

Week of December 21–27, 2017
Riders this past week: 47,213
Rider miles this past week: 100,000

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Julianne Moore rode the subway all the way from Montauk where she lives to Westhampton Beach on Saturday morning and then back the other way on Saturday afternoon. We don’t know why. Scarlett Johansson rode the subway from the stop near her home in Napeague to Bridgehampton on Sunday afternoon. Jay McInerney and Colson Whitehead were seen chatting on the subway heading from Sag Harbor to East Hampton on Tuesday afternoon.

PROTESTERS IN HAMPTON BAYS
Riverhead residents bearing signs demanding Hamptons Subway build a North Fork extension rode the subway from Westhampton Beach to Hampton Bays, where the Hamptons Subway building is, but because they were chanting and shouting, they forgot to get off there and so continued along in silence to Shinnecock, where they took the train back to Hampton Bays. The demonstration was pretty muted when they got to our building.

BIGGER RATE REDUCTION!
One month ago, Hamptons Subway announced lower rates beginning January 1. Currently, rides are $2.75, and we had hoped to drop the fare to $2.70 for people making under $20,000 a year, $2.65 for people making between $20,000 and $150,000, and 85 cents for people making over $150,000. After some objection, we’ve decided to drop the cost even further for the two poorer groups. Under $20,000 a year will now get a ride for $2.69, and those between $20,000 and $150,000 will get a ride for $2.64. As for those folks over $150,000 a year, we will be charging more—86 cents instead of 85 cents.

TUNNEL REPAIR
Because tunnel work between the Wainscott and the Sagaponack Stations next Wednesday, no trains will be allowed between 6 a.m. Thursday until 6 a.m. Friday. Those traveling at that time will go up the escalator at Wainscott to waiting busses which will take them to Sagaponack. The reverse is true too. If you decide to just jog that interval, you will have to pay twice.

TRACK REPLACEMENT CALLED OFF
Hamptons Subway intended to close down for the entire week of January 21–27 to replace all of the tracks, which have been there since the subway was first built in 1927. During that week, a bus service would operate, taking riders from station to station. However, an examination of the tracks themselves resulted in a great celebration at our home office when it was learned that they were made of Zirconium, cheap in 1927 but worth $10,000 a foot today. But then we were brought low to learn that Zirconium, in addition to being more valuable than any other metal, was also environmentally dangerous, causing illness among the elderly, cats and dogs. It can never be sold. So we’ve decided to just leave it be since it is pre-existing.

MAINTENANCE CREW REPLACED
The entire maintenance crew of Hamptons Subway, which works every night from 2 a.m. to 6 a.m. cleaning and repairing, has been fired. They are all men and it has been found that during the night they often spend time making disparaging remarks about women, even mentioning some of them by name. A new maintenance crew, made entirely of women, will replace them on Monday. At exactly the same wage, of course.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
The Commissioner submitted no report this week. He is spending the week at an attitude adjustment spa in Utah.