Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of January 10–16, 2017

By Dan Rattiner

4 minute 01/15/2018

Who will be crowned the next Miss Hamptons Subway? Photo: Hemant Mehta, Alessandro Cristiano/123RF

Week of January 10–16, 2017
Riders this past week: 33,812
Rider miles this past week: 74,812

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Steven Spielberg was seen all bundled up so tightly during the big freeze last week, taking the subway from Georgica to Sagaponack, that you couldn’t recognize him except for his nose. Madonna and Beyoncé were seen last Monday afternoon taking the subway between Sag Harbor and Bridgehampton. They were quietly singing Adele’s song “Hello” together.

THE FLOOD
A flood engulfed Southampton station just as the system was getting set to close last Tuesday. The last passengers were ushered out and workmen tore pipes out of the walls and platform trying to find the leak until 6 a.m. when it was found that somebody left the water on after washing their hands in men’s room. The Southampton station to open at 8 a.m. instead of the usual 6:30 a.m.

ANNUAL MISS HAMPTONS SUBWAY CONTEST
The 58th annual Miss Hamptons Subway competition begins next week and runs until the end of February. Riders are urged to nominate anyone they feel could win this crown by entering names on pieces of paper and putting them in the bins placed on all the platforms. There are new rules this year. “Miss” Hamptons Subway will not be between 18 and 24 years of age, single and judged on beauty and grace. Instead, everyone can enter, regardless of age or gender, and the winner will be selected by lot—with the pulling of a piece of paper out of a wastebasket at our company offices on March 1. Free to enter are single women, married women, children, transsexuals, married and single men, except for those apologizing for inappropriate behavior, the elderly and, if you’ve got a really cute cat or dog, they will be eligible too. Join the fun! It’s Miss Hamptons Subway time!

VOTING DELAYED
Because of the freeze and snow last Thursday, the polls opened on our Hampton Bays platform to elect a new Hamptons Subway Commissioner, but nobody showed up to vote. According to our present commissioner, Bill Aspinall, the wording of the Hamptons Subway Constitution states that if the challenger to an incumbent does not receive more votes than the incumbent by the end of the day, then the incumbent remains Commissioner until the next election, which is in four years. Champagne all around for Bill Aspinall.

THIRD RAIL COVERINGS
As most people know, Hamptons Subway, as a safety measure, installed chemically treated fabric covers for all the third rails in the system, so if anyone were to step on the rail they would not be killed. The covers, known as “fourth rails,” have been in place for a month now, and maintenance people have noticed that the covers have in many areas deteriorated and been ripped away. No one knew why until last night, when maintenance people watched in awe as herds of penguins emerged from inside the walls of the tunnel between Southampton and Shinnecock and began eating the fabric. Employees tried to shoo them away but there were too many of them. The penguins finally left around 4 a.m. on their own, patting their stomachs and making little squeaking noises. Where they went we do not know. Could they have chewed their way here from Antarctica? And who knew this was penguin food?

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Alisha Cunningham’s #ustoo campaign trying to beat me in the commissioner vote has come to naught. We celebrate another four years on the throne.