Guaranteed To Make You Laugh, Or At Least Smile

It’s spring. My mind is blank. I can’t think of a thing to write, so here are some funny things people have sent me on the internet. What I like about these jokes is that there’s something here to offend everyone . . .

What a morning . . .

8:00: I made a snowman.
8:10: A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15: So, I made a snow woman.
8:17: The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest.
8:20: The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25: The vegans in number 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28: I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31: The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40: Someone calls the cops, who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42: I am told that the broomstick of the snow man needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter, “Yeah, if I shove it up your . . .”
8:52: My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00: I’m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.
9:10: I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29: A little-known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.
Moral: When it’s this cold, stay inside.

***

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what’s your plan?

****

The following questions were in last year’s GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16-year-olds):
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does “varicose” mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word “benign” mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

***

Kids don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk nine feet through shag carpeting to change the TV channel.

***

An Inspirational Story:

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first, I said, “Naaahhh!” Then they told me, “Come on, it’s for handicapped and blind kids.” Then I thought, “Sh*t — I could win this!”

***

Just One More Thing on the Russians Hacking the Election:

How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the primary from Bernie Sanders? How did Russia get Donna Brazile to leak debate questions to Hillary Clinton in advance of the debates?

***

An Irishman’s First Drink with His Son:

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub, only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn’t like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny. He didn’t like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like a Harp lager.

He didn’t. I drank it.

I thought maybe he’d like whisky better than beer, so we tried a Jameson’s. Nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland’s finest whisky.

He wouldn’t even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn’t like to drink, I was so sh*t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!

***

This Ought To Make All Grandpas Feel Warm and Fuzzy:

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room.

“Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog — because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disneyland!”

***

What is celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage weekend, Frank and his wife, Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.

***

Some of the artists of the 1960s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the limbo as if it were yesterday. They include:

Bobby Darin — “Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash”
Herman’s Hermits — “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
Ringo Starr — “I Get By With a Little Help From Depends”
The Bee Gees — “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?”
Roberta Flack — “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
Johnny Nash — “I Can’t See Clearly Now”
Paul Simon — “Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver”
The Commodores — “Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom”
Procol Harem — “A Whiter Shade of Hair”
Leo Sayer — “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
The Temptations — “Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone”
Tony Orlando — “Knock Three Times on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall”
Helen Reddy — “I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore”
Leslie Gore — “It’s My Procedure and I’ll Cry if I Want To”
And last but not least: Willie Nelson — “On the Commode Again”

If you wish to comment on “Jerry’s Ink” please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com.