Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of May 1–16, 2018

Week of May 1–16, 2018
Riders this past week: 19,942
Rider miles this past week: 101,745

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Billy Joel, Pat Malloy, Ted Conklin and Jimmy Buffett were seen on the subway happily heading from Sag Harbor to Bridgehampton together carrying golf clubs last Saturday morning

ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER ADAMS FIRED
Remember last Saturday when the entire subway system was at a standstill for four hours? We were initially told it happened because of a decision by the higher ups at Hamptons Subway to shut down the subway system so that the President of South Korea, Moon Jae-in, could take Commissioner Aspinall’s private subway car to get from where he landed at the Westhampton Airport to an important meeting with Commissioner Aspinall in Hampton Bays without the hassle of regular passengers distracting him. That’s how it’s done in Seoul when an important dignitary has to get somewhere.

Then it turned out that the important official was in fact Commissioner Aspinall’s new mistress and not the President of South Korea. The Commissioner was in a fury over this.

“Adams was told not to give this courtesy to anyone but the President of South Korea. He disobeyed me by doing this for Bubbles instead, and I have fired him on the spot. And it was no excuse that Mr. Moon cancelled.”

Adams would not comment saying, in exchange for $130,000, he signed an agreement not to speak about this situation, but he did say this:

“There are other situations I can talk about. I have been Aspinall’s right hand man. If someone wants to give me a book contract, I will blow the socks off this scandalous situation at the highest levels of Hamptons Subway. I have taken the fall for some of these situations happily because someone’s got to do it, but now enough is enough. I am off to look for other employment opportunities, and that would include a book contract. Also 60 Minutes. Mrs. Aspinall knows nothing about Bubbles for instance. That’s something. And it’s nothing to do with the subway scandal last Saturday. Then there’s all that money changing hands.” 

VALUABLE TOY SUBWAY CAR
For one week back in 1997, Hamptons Subway ran a special order single-gear Montauk Express train that traveled at 65 miles an hour, on what were then the new Express tracks, with a departure time of 7:10 p.m. in Westhampton and an arrival time of 7:46 p.m. at Montauk station, with no stops in between. Hardly anyone took that train since most riders want to stop at one or another of the stations in between, and so the Montauk Express was discontinued after just one week. Nevertheless, at the ribbon cutting for that train’s first run, 500 Montauk Express toy trains were given out to dignitaries to give to their children. Only a few of these toys remain today, and those that do come on the market fetch as much as $22,000. One did last Thursday at an auction in Monte Carlo and here is a picture of it, in its original box. It sold to an anonymous bidder for $27,001. A new record.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I am just too steamed up to write anything this week. Thank you Mr. “Squealy Mouse” Adams. Well, you got yours. Can you believe it?

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