Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of May 3–9, 2018

By Dan Rattiner

5 minute 05/07/2018

Hamptons Subway nuclear missile in storage — Photo: John Wollwerth/123RF

Week of May 3–9, 2018
Riders this past week: 18,912
Rider miles this past week: 88,921

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Jules Feiffer was seen riding the Hamptons Subway from North Haven to Sag Harbor with two friends, Bernard and Huey, one tall and thin, the other short and bald. They were on the way to the Bay Street Theater last Saturday to see a movie called Bernard and Huey. Former New York City Subway Commissioner Peter Kalikow was seen riding from Amagansett to Montauk on Wednesday with longtime Hamptons Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall. They were discussing old times.

NUCLEAR MISSILES
Commissioner Aspinall has announced a willingness to give up the nuclear missile currently located in a storage room accessible from a door in the wall of the tunnel between the Southampton and Water Mill station—or maybe in the tunnel between the North Sea and Noyac Station. The missile was found on the tracks during a spring cleanup last year and has been in that storage room since then waiting for the proper moment to negotiate it with the Federal government. Commissioner Aspinall would like to know what the Federal government would be willing to give Hamptons Subway in exchange for it. “If President Trump wants to come by and meet with me before he meets with that Kim guy, it might be a good idea to deal with ours to get some practice. My door is open,” said Aspinall.

SNATCH THE SOCKS
It’s a children’s game and everyone under 10 is invited. Bring your parents. Kids entering start at the East Hampton and Southampton platforms from 3 to 6 p.m. next Saturday afternoon, take the UP escalator halfway up to snatch a pair of gym socks placed on the slanted stainless steel railing between the UP and DOWN escalators, then leap over the railing and take the DOWN escalator back to the platform to hand it to the waiting Subway employee there. This employee has a stopwatch, a clipboard and a pen and he will mark your time. Then he will go back up the escalator to place the pair of socks halfway for the next kid. That kid waits for the employee to go all the way up, then all the way back down to get himself ready. He will say “Go!” and the next entrant will be off.

Hamptons Subway patrons should be aware this will be going on this coming Saturday and try not to use those two stations. The trains will still come through but they won’t stop so the only thing you’ll be able to do to ride one is to grab a handle on one as it comes through and hoist yourself up to the top of the car. Then reverse that when your stop appears. “Grab a Sock” is from the imagination of our new Vice President of Public Relations Peter Piper, who says he has not yet picked the prizes for the lowest times, but they will be terrific. Just wait. Enjoy.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Rumors saying that the funds for Hamptons Subway came from a crowd funding operation back in 1957 are not true. There was no crowd funding then, not even computers, unless you consider the giant military computers the size of barns back then. I don’t think we even had crowds back then. Anyway, we collected only $5,312 with the crowd funding operation. How we got the rest of the money to build Hamptons Subway back then was by stealing it. We hacked our way into the vault up in Albany late one night with pickaxes and there it was so we took it.