Ditch The Rules – Ladies Take The Lead

Bumble, a new application, lets women make the first move.

Women of a certain age will remember the stir created when the book The Rules: Time Tested Secrets For Capturing Mr. Right came out in 1995. The basic advice for women was to play hard-to-get. Don’t accept a date for Saturday after Wednesday. Don’t call him, and rarely return his calls. Women were advised to let the men take the lead. Don’t talk to a man first, and definitely don’t ask him to dance.

Well, we know that men do enjoy the chase, and it’s no fun shooting fish in a barrel (still working out that metaphor in my mind), but hard-to-get can also look a lot like I’m not interested. Many men have not yet joined the psychic friends’ network so you have to make an effort. I had met a man I will call Gorgeous George, who was a bit shy but I really liked him. I hadn’t heard from him for a while, then had the unfortunate timing of bumping into him at the vet when my poor Bichon Frise had suffered a nasty nose bleed. Of course, I was wearing white, and looked pretty much like I had a gunshot wound to the chest and tried to be kinda sexy like, “Hey we should really go out again sometime.”

Luckily there is a new great way where over 40 women can meet men without crime scene vet encounters and be the one taking the lead. Bumble is a dating app started by Whitney Wolfe Herd, who co-founded Tinder. She decided that what was missing in the space was women having control and making the first move. In essence, women go through men’s profiles and swipe right if interested, and if the man expresses interest, boom, there’s a bee in the hive.

Then, it’s also up to women to initiate the conversation. Ladies seem to like this, with the app growing to 36 million users in 160 countries. The men I’ve talked to like the app because as one said, “It’s like being pre-approved for a loan.” Where a man may get shot down approaching a woman in a bar because she’s married, gay, just wants to spend time with her friends, or is the girlfriend of the bartender who just gave him the evil eye, the Bumble interaction starts with the woman saying, “I’m interested.”

Some tips for the best results are to use all six photos, be current, showcase hobbies, and avoid group shots where we have to guess which one you are. For women looking at men, we see that you have been the master of the universe, had a successful business life, and fathered children but you are uncapable of producing a picture which is in focus. And unless a seatbelt is some sort of bondage fetish, find somewhere other than your car to take a picture.

Some men, however, have explained that they are not the selfie queens that some women are, which is fair enough, but find a good friend to get some good shots. And neither side wants to see you with your ex, their head exed out like they just got hit in the face with a pie.

Swiping right or left is a pretty quick decision, so a profile of “anything you want to know just ask,” tells us nothing and humor like “I’m Elmer J Fudd. I own a mansion and a yacht,” is cute but not substantive and the guy’s profile that just says “freak” is a total no go.

Guys also indicate that women who write “high maintenance but worth it” is a turn off, they don’t really understand what an “influencer” is, and neither side wants a long list of what you don’t want in a partner. It’s a bee hive after all, and you can catch more dates with honey than with vinegar.

So, ladies be bold in making the first positive move. Let him know you’re interested. And hell, once you meet, maybe even ask him to dance.