Heather-isms

As a writer, I have some infamous sayings which range from cocktail napkin copy to my epitaph.

Heather-me-downs: Clothes bought after break-ups or the stomach flu I will never fit into again, given to younger, slimmer friends.

Forgiveness is overrated: Focus instead on letting go of the anger, because it doesn’t serve you.

I don’t want to wear it if you don’t want to pet it: The importance of texture of fabrics which make you extremely huggable. No one wants to embrace scratchy wool or Lycra.

The lovely hour: Like happy hour, only prettier.

Can you be committed to me for 12 minutes? Best pick-up line to find a guy to kiss just before midnight on New Year’s Eve.

The horns are retractable: Response to men who ask what happened to their angel when they act like a jerk.

If you can’t tone it, tan it: When BuddhaBerry hijacks your spring pre-bikini cleanse.

Free range men: Why don’t we give the same consideration to raising men as we do our Cordon Bleu?

It’s not done, it’s just due: The beauty of a deadline for a writer.

Things I learned from Snow White: Why date one man when you can have seven who are useful around the house?

Defense mechanisms are like Vaseline on the lens: They filter the flaws, muffle the screams of intuition, and put a pillow over the face of fear.

#cantyouseemytiara: When someone does not see my inner royalty and mistakes me for a peasant.

I look at the rules of golf as suggestions: If it is a good walk spoiled, it should at least go quickly.

There is faith, hope, and love, and then there is a good divorce attorney: I hope you are in the 50 percent of married people who don’t know what this means.

You have a nice asana: The benefits of a regular yoga practice.

A velvet rope is fonder of the people it keeps out than those it keeps in: Rejection doesn’t mean you are not worthy.

The definition of disappointment is smelling deli roses: As a visual culture, don’t forget the other senses.

Like the thong diaper, some ideas are best left unexplored: Self-explanatory.

If you can’t cure it, bear witness to it: Even if you don’t have a solution, shine light on wrong-doing.

My version of once upon a time is I met a guy at a bar: If happily ever after doesn’t exist, you might as well get a free drink.

If and when are the slayers of happiness: Embrace joy now.

kissandtellhb@gmail.com