All The News That Fits We Print

News Item: Trump Wants To Buy Greenland

Typical Liberal America: scoff at everything our great President does. Most people don’t realize this deal has been talked about for years but only Trump, a real estate developer by trade, has the vision to act on it.

And it’s just the beginning if the President has his way.

“I’m already in the process of buying Marvin’s Gardens and Ventnor Avenue. This will be a beautiful thing.” Trump said if he can swing deals for all three properties, “I will put up hotels. Gorgeous, red hotels. I will call it ‘America’s Island.’” When asked why people would make Greenland, I mean, America’s Island a resort destination, Trump said it was a no-brainer. “People will come for the beaches.”

News Item: Trump, The King Of Israel?

President Trump made waves this week when he proclaimed himself “the King of Israel,” prompting widespread criticism from a broad spectrum of critics and Stormy Daniels, a broad critic.

“Besides, everyone knows I’m the King of Israel,” Lenny Kravitz said.

Elizabeth Warren, who is running for president, charged Trump with lying to the public about his heritage. “I should know,” she said. “I’m Jewish.”

“But I’ll always be the Prince of Israel,” Kinky Friedman said.

Trump said he did not want to be compared to Jesus. “Jesus was a loser. Jesus got caught,” the President remarked. “We want winners.”

News Item: El Chapo

Apologizes To Fans

El Chapo, the legendary drug cartel leader, apologized to his fans this week in an open letter — not for killing dozens of rivals and Mexican federales but for not breaking out of the Manhattan Correctional Institution when he had the chance. Despite its reputation as being one of the most secure facilities in the world, a prisoner recently hung himself there.

“My dear li’l frens, now that the cockaroash Jeffrey Epstein kill himself in front of the noses of the effin pigs everyone askin’ me how come I don’t break out. Next time, I’m bringing my chainsaw!”

News Item: Elevated

Ozone Levels

The Department of Environmental Conservation issued an elevated ozone warning earlier this week for this area. Ozone in the air we breathe can harm our health. People most at risk from breathing air containing ozone include people with asthma, children, older adults, and people who are active outdoors, especially outdoor workers. In other words, everyone is at risk except people in comas, who lay around leading unproductive lives.

Many people will use the catch phrase “global warming” to explain why this is happening. It annoys me, because as a person who has studied GW (that’s what we pros call it) at an advanced level for many years with scientists like Sartre and Harmon Killerbrew, I know the reason why it is getting warmer, and it easily reversible. There is a hole in the ozone layer. All the air conditioning is escaping.

Put in laymen’s terms (a layman is a stupid man, like yourself), when we turn the air conditioning on, the room gets cooler. This is how Earth works as well. You can also buy a repair kit at the hardware store, cover the hole, and you are good to go.

News Item: Atlantic Ocean Water Level Rising

This is another ploy by lefty environmentalists that want to scare us into believing Mother Earth is in danger because of our piggish ways. Nothing could be further from the truth, which is that an incredibly fat French guy named Jacques does a cannonball into the water every morning and the ripple crosses over and washes up in the Hamptons. Folks think it’s a mini-tsunami, aka salami.

News Item: ‘Junior’ Befriends Local Writer

Rick Murphy, a local, hip journalist who was among the first to incorporate computer technology into his work, has an influential fan: Donald Trump Jr. has not only befriended him on Facebook but shares an intimate Twitter dialogue with him. “That makes a lot of sense,” he tweeted to Murphy the other day. “The happiest of birthdays,” he wished the award-winning journalist earlier this week, just 67 days after Murphy’s birthday.

It gets better. Trump’s sibling Eric (does that make him a Twittling) has begun contacting Murphy as well, along with family members Ivanka, Ivinka, and Melanoma, all of whom, along with Dumber and Blitzkreig, were named by Trump Sr. after Santa’s reindeer.

News Item: Corey Booker Visits Hamptons

Who?

rmurphy@indyeastend.com