Hamptons Subway Newsletter: 2020 Q1 Internal Audit Report

By Dan Rattiner

3 minute 03/30/2020

Hamptons Subway station sign — What’s in a name?

As the first quarter of every year comes to a close, the Hamptons Subway conducts an internal audit, portions of which have been made public for the first time here.

2020 Q1 Internal Audit Report
Riders in Q1: 456,099
Rider Miles in Q1: 1,015,699

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Number of Celebrity Riders Spotted Taking Selfies with Our Spotters: 3

Most Celebrity Rider Sightings: Steven Spielberg, 3

Oscar Winners: 4

Tony Winners: 1

Grammy Winners: 2

Best-Selling Authors: 2

Lowest Weekly Rider Total: 3,821

Highest Weekly Rider Total: 132,08

COMMUNICATIONS AND INTERNAL AFFAIRS DEPARTMENT

Hamptons Subway Newsletters Published: 11

New Marketing Directors Hired: 7

Birthday Candles Blown Out at Staff Birthday Celebrations: 298

Group Texts Involving Work-Related Issues: 46

Group Texts Involving Non-Work-Related Issues: 77 (Note: Numbers apply only to company-supplied phones. Hamptons Subway does not monitor activity on personal devices.)

Emails Sent Between President Trump and Commissioner Aspinall: 6

Requests to Publish The Collected Hamptons Subway Newsletters Book: 3

Requests from Commissioner Aspinall’s Mother to Publish The Collected Hamptons Subway Newsletters: 2

Downloads for Commissioner Aspinall Sings the Best of Billie Eilish Album: 0

I’M A SUBSTER Baseball Caps Sold: 71

IMPROVEMENTS AND NONIMPROVEMENTS DEPARTMENT

Number of Stops in the Hamptons Subway System: 24

Number of Unused Stops in the Hamptons Subway System: 2

Number of New Stops Opened in Q1: 0

Discontinued Lines: 1 (Note: The Hamptons Subway Cannonball, which whisked passengers nonstop from Montauk Station to Westhampton Beach has been discontinued for lack of riders. Whether it will be back in the future has not yet been decided.)

New Cars Put into Service: 13 (5 luxury coaches, 5 moderately appointed coaches, 3 barebones coaches)

Top Subway Car Speed: 84 miles an hour

Rate of Overall Improved On-Time Service: 8%

Quarts of New Car Smell Sprayed in Subway Cars: 7

Yards of Naugahyde Ordered to Refurbish Subway Conductor Seats: 131

Footlongs Sold at Platform Subway Food Kiosks: 3,264

Most Popular Footlong: Meatball Marinara

Least Popular Footlong: Cucumber Marinara

Golden Spikes Reported Stolen from Hamptons Subway: 1