Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 13–19, 2020

Week of March 13–19, 2020
Riders this past week: 18,512
Rider miles this past week: 69,960

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Bestselling author Dava Sobel of Springs was seen trading writing tips with poet Si Perchik while riding the subway from Springs to East Hampton on Thursday afternoon. Actor Liev Schreiber was spotted riding the subway from Georgica Station to Sagaponack on Wednesday morning. In the afternoon, Steven Spielberg was seen riding from Georgica to East Hampton.

DRONES
Local citizens called the police to report seeing a great number of drones hovering in the sky along the route of the Hamptons Subway last week. It turned out that Hamptons Subway itself was flying these drones. Unbeknownst to the Hamptons Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall, our new general manager, Charlie McCarthy, had purchased 60 small surveillance drones to monitor the comings and goings of all the subway trains in the system. Rather than put them in the tunnels where, apparently, they were supposed to go, our longtime company foreman Henry Higgins ordered them to hover in the sky overhead. Commissioner Aspinall immediately had Higgins fired, and at the urging of the police, took down all the drones.

The next day, Charlie McCarthy, returning to the Hamptons from a long weekend at his condo in Florida, met with the Commissioner to explain that these drones were specially equipped with ethernet and Bluetooth components giving them the ability to monitor train traffic underground from the sky. He said he never intended to have them fly in the tunnels where they could get hit by the trains, so the Commissioner fired McCarthy, too.

BEWARE OF COUNTERFEITS
Hamptons Subway has learned that the Visa debit card offered by the Bank of Ben Franklin in Southampton when swiped at our subway turnstiles will get you through for free. We have filed a stop and desist demand of the bank, which freely advertises this card’s ability as a bonus perk for their customers who keep balances of over $200 at the bank. But they have ignored our request. As a result, subway employees are stationed 24 hours a day at each of our platform turnstiles with orders to frisk and cease any passengers who are seen flashing the obvious maroon and puce colored debit cards from that bank. The card is available not only from the main branch of the Bank of Ben Franklin, at 4253 Main Street in Southampton, but at their other branch at 5233 Main Street in Westhampton Beach. They are open from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. every day. Don’t go there.

SUBWAY CAR ADVERTISING
Riders surely noticed something unusual about the billboard advertising just above the windows inside our subway cars during these past few weeks. As an experiment, new marketing director Mac Hartley has ordered all high end advertisements—from Eileen Fisher, Calvin Klein and Brooks Brothers, among others—to be placed in certain subway cars while putting all low end advertisements—injury compensation lawyers, bail bondsmen and pawn shops—in others. He thinks that rich folks might be drawn to one car while financially challenged folks to the other. However, on Thursday we received a new demand and desist order requiring that these advertisements be “unclustered,” as the court document stated. The legal papers had been filed by an anti-bias group that remains nameless. So we unclustered them.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
There are many job openings at Hamptons Subway. Feel free to apply. We are looking for a new foreman, General Manager and Marketing Director at this time. These jobs won’t be available for long, so hurry to the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays and fill out an application.

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