Ask Beatty: Never Make a Mistake in Love Again (Part 1)

We all want to fall in love and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, the reality is that despite all of the relationship books, relationship therapists, coaches, relationship podcasts, television shows, retreats and rehabs, we are continuing to spiral downward when it comes to finding and maintaining healthy relationships. Why is this happening? And more importantly, what are we prepared to do about it?

Facts:

1. On average, 3 women are killed by a current or former intimate partner each day in the United States.
2. Approximately 1.3 million women are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the U.S.
3. Approximately 64% of the women who report being raped, physically assaulted, and/or stalked since age 18 were victimized by a current or former partner.
4. 25% of high school girls in the U.S. have been physically or sexually abused by a dating partner.
5. The divorce rate for first marriages is 48%.
6. The divorce rate for second marriages is 67%.
7. The divorce rate for third marriages is 73%.

*These statistics from the U.S. Department of Justice and other sources do not even include emotional, psychological and verbal abuse.

Relationships Fail for Four Reasons:

1. If each person is not emotionally and psychologically healthy, it’s very difficult to have a healthy relationship with anyone.
2. The majority of people have little idea about what ingredients actually go into a healthy relationship or marriage.
3. If you don’t know the ingredients, you are in no position to be able to assess who’s right (or wrong) for you.
4. Research indicates that the majority of men and women are lacking in crucial emotional communication and problem-solving skills.

Our Culture:

Just look at the television reality shows like The Bachelor, Married at First Sight and the Real Housewives of New York City and Beverly Hills. Or tune in to any Lifetime movie. Dysfunctional relationships are glamorized in the media. We can’t get enough of the celebrity talk shows that endlessly discuss Kim and Kanye’s ongoing drama and Jennifer Aniston’s relationship heartbreaks.

On the surface, these television shows can be viewed as innocent entertainment. However, their messages about relationships and marriage make a mockery of what it takes to have a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

How many people were fortunate enough to have positive role models for parents to teach them about loving relationships? If we haven’t been taught what ingredients go into a healthy relationship, and if we rely on misleading portrayals of love in movies, television and popular music, how can we expect people to be able to make healthy choices about their relationships? The reality is that we can’t and we don’t.

Many people believe that the best way to build stronger families is to attack the barriers keeping people from achieving their full potential. Issues like poverty, racism, sexism and unemployment are often cited as primary reasons for the breakdown of relationships. And although these are contributing factors to marital and family strife, removing these barriers alone will not solve the problem.

In the past 35 years I have treated some of the wealthiest, best educated and most “successful” people in Canada and the United States. I have found that the relationship problems of my rich and famous clientele are no different from the people who I have treated from the inner city areas.

The Solution:

We spend more time researching cars, grams of fat and real estate than we do our partners. Think back to how you often thought you knew everything there was to know about your partner. You believed that the person you were in love with was exactly who he/she seemed to be. You were sure that you had found your life partner and perfect match. Then suddenly without warning you realize that you are headed for disaster. Your relationship is in shambles. Your mind is spinning. What went wrong? Chances are the signs were there all along. You just didn’t know what to look for.

What if I told that there was a 10-step, failsafe formula, successfully used by thousands of men and women around the world for assessing who’s right or wrong for you BEFORE committing to any serious relationship? Would you not want to know about it? In fact, would you not want to share this important information with everyone you know and love?

The good news is that there is such a formula and you now have an opportunity to educate and empower yourself in ways that you never dreamed possible.

In the next several weeks I will teach you my formula. It’s based on my research and book, For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love and more than 35 years of clinical experience. My formula is not sexy or romantic. It requires that you take off your rose-colored blinders and be willing to look at the reality of your relationship — the good, the bad and the ugly. My research found that it takes close to one year of using the formula to really discover who your partner is and is not.

In welcoming the new year, why not commit, maybe for the first time in your life, to learning how to recognize a truly healthy relationship and avoid the mistakes, disappointments and pain of the past. The choice is yours!

Beatty Cohan, MSW, LCSW, AASECT is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of “The Ask Beatty Show” on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton.

Beatty would love to hear from you and welcomes your questions and comments. Email her at beattycohan.msw@gmail.com or visit beattycohan.com for more information.