Hamptons Subway Newsletter: May 19–26, 2023

INTRODUCTION

My name is Hilda Jenkins, and I’ve been hired by Hamptons Subway to write this weekly newsletter so that our riders stay informed. As the subway opened for business just last week, I would like to thank Dan’s Papers for agreeing, on short notice, to reprint our newsletter to give it a broader distribution than just in the bins at the subway stations. It is public service companies such as Dan’s Papers, which provides wonderful public services such as this bringing the news to all.

NEW HIRE: BILL ASPINALL

Bill Aspinall has been hired to be the commissioner of the Hamptons Subway. Aspinall has never been a commissioner of any subway line before. But he has been the assistant commissioner in five subway systems around the country during the last three years, so he is certainly not new to the task. Mr. Aspinall now gives his opening remarks.

THE COMMISSIONER’S REPORT

Hamptons Subway is up and running. You will find stairs and escalators going down to the platforms at 10 locations this week, at Westhampton Beach, Hampton Bays, Southampton, Shinnecock, Water Mill, Bridgehampton, East Hampton, Amagansett, Sag Harbor and Montauk. The trains run at 6-minute intervals from 6 a.m. until 2 a.m. the next morning, and by the end of next week, we should have scrubbed the grime off the platforms at an additional eight stations.

As for me, I graduated from the Wharton School of Business, New York University and Columbia University, and for years I worked in finance at Goldman Sachs on Wall Street, during which time I was honored by the Kennedy Center for my philanthropic work fundraising for a stray dog and cat charity I founded. Yes, I was indicted for stealing money in Brazil where my wealthy parents raised me, but in court it was found that they arrested the wrong man and apologies and compensation to me followed. My mother’s family are Jewish Holocaust survivors and my dad’s family is Catholic, so I met the Pope. With this vast experience — my degrees are in subway management and criminal affairs — I am perfectly positioned to teach everyone how to run a subway.

GLADYS GOODING

Hamptons Subway is proud to announce its second hire — Mr. Aspinall is the first — who is Gladys Gooding, the well-known but now retired world-renowned opera singer. Ms. Gooding agreed to make the recordings that say “Watch out for the closing door” and “Stand clear” and “Next stop is …” And then she names the station. Recordings of her saying these things were made at the LTV studios on Industrial Road in East Hampton and she is just a wonderful person. You will hear her say these things when you take the subway.

LIGHT BULBS

All the platforms are brightly lit by overhead light bulbs which were screwed in when the subway was originally constructed in 1928 but never opened. Since they are of a design no longer made, they will, when they ultimately burn out, have to be replaced with modern light bulbs. Strangely, these light bulbs seem to operate without electricity of any kind. We are investigating this. Perhaps it will lead to a solution for global warming.

TOKENS

The turnstiles at Hamptons Subway will let you through when you put a copper subway token — it looks a little like a penny — in the slot. Tokens may be purchased at the subway booths on the platforms for $2.75 each. These are the original tokens from when the subway had hoped to have opened but then didn’t. We found a total of 2.3 billion tokens in a vast storage room that opens onto the tunnel halfway between the Shinnecock and Southampton stations. And so we will not run out.

HELP WANTED

Jobs are now available for motormen, conductors, security officers, clerical workers and token booth operators at Hamptons Subway. Apply at the Hamptons Subway building on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays.

NOTICE

Turnstile jumpers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. No exceptions.