Hampton Subway Newsletter: June 23 – June 29, 2023

June 23 – June 29, 2023
Rider Miles 37,444
Riders 5, 251

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Madonna was seen riding on the Hamptons Subway last Sunday afternoon between Montauk and Amagansett. Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld, carrying shopping bags, were seen Monday on the Bridgehampton platform with talk show host Rolonda Watts.

DELAYS

Delays of one hour and 10 minutes were experienced on the D line between Amagansett and East Hampton on June 1 because of the breakdowns occurring due to the alternative fuels used on that line that day.

Further delays: Riders are warned that further delays on the D line between Amagansett and East Hampton will occur on June 24, 25 and 26 as the remainder of this fuel, made from crushed potatoes, chardonnay and piping plover poop is used up during the conclusion of the alternative fuels experiment.

BURIAL

A military burial for the piping plover that was found dead next to the third rail at the Water Mill station two weeks ago was held last Thursday. The burial was attended by Robert Kennedy Jr. and New York State Gov. Kathy Hochul, among many others. She was given a 19-gun salute — the bird that is, not the governor — and was buried at Main Beach in East Hampton.

MANY CELEBRITIES USED THE DELUXE SUBWAY SERVICE AT ITS INAUGURAL RUN

Among those Hamptonites spotted boarding the deluxe subway car at the front of every train on the Hamptons Subway at the inaugural run of the service this past week were Mercedes Ruehl, Marisa Tomei, Steven Spielberg, Jon Stewart, Paul Simon, Christie Brinkley and Martha Stewart. All paid for their subway tokens with euros (as required for the deluxe car) and enjoyed the yoga, massage, facial wraps, champagne, caviar and water crackers and video games aboard this wildly successful service.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

This has been a wonderful week for the inaugural run of the Hamptons Subway, especially with the front car deluxe service. We had crossed our fingers, hoping it would succeed. As it turned out, even in its inaugural week over Memorial Day weekend, it’s been a big hit among A-listers.

The experiment to try out an alternate fuel may have resulted in some overheating of train engines and a few blown pistons, but otherwise went pretty well, I think.

And our regular straphangers in the back, who have already decided to commute by the thousands in the rear cars every day, may be complaining a bit about the loss of their front car and their inability to get past the velvet rope and into it, even though they have the proper number of euros. But to them I say, you’ve still got the joy of rubbing shoulders, maybe not exactly the shoulders you might like to rub against, but, well, it was just a matter of speaking, there you are, in the cars right behind some of the most important shoulders in the world and that in and of itself is such a blessing.

JUST TO BE CLEAR

Keep in mind that the Hamptons Subway does not extend into New York City. It exists only between Montauk and Eastport plus the stops on the North Fork. Just getting mad about there being no tunnel to New York City doesn’t help. We recommend the Hampton Jitney as the best and most stylish way to get from anywhere in the Hamptons to New York City. But why go when you can celebrate the grand opening of our wonderful local service and hop off and then back on at various stations in different Hamptons hamlets that you might never have been to before?

QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Why does the Hampton Subway still use tokens when other subway systems have upgraded to magnetized cards?

ANSWER OF THE WEEK

Hampton Subway saves money by using discarded New York City subway tokens. Recycling is good for the environment.