Dan's Shorts: Sharks, Shagwong, Marcus Stroman & More

So far, nothing I’ve written has made me famous. Abraham Lincoln wrote the “Gettysburg Address” on the back of an envelope. It was short and got him famous. I’m going to try that. Here goes.

SHARK!

As of this writing, five people have been bitten by sharks swimming at Long Island beaches in July. The bites were painful but not serious. In some cases, stitches were required. If you look at where these bites happened — the first four were on Fire Island, then the most recent one was in Quogue — some bathers say the next bite could be in Southampton and then East Hampton.

It could be just one shark, a very angry one, trolling west to east. That’s one theory.

Others believe this rising up of the sharks was caused by environmentalists who declared sharks an endangered species. Don’t kill them, just name them, pat them on their backs and send them off. Mistake.

Last week, the state parks department received emergency funding to fight the sharks, and the money is being used to, among other things, buy more drones, which patrol the surf from above. They find sharks using thermal imaging and lasers, then the lifeguards clear the beaches and the drone fires a missile. Something like that.

That’s one way to solve the problem. Here’s another. Up at Scarborough Beach State Park Beach in Maine, the lifeguards have trained dogs — big 90-pound Newfoundlands — to work with them rescuing the wounded. The Newfies are eager, smart, powerful and with their thick coats and webbed feet pull on ropes and even with a gentle mouth grip drag victims onto the beach to safety.

Oh, wait. Can’t do that here. Dogs aren’t permitted on the beaches anymore.

SHAGWONG

The Shagwong Tavern, a Montauk legend, has served lobsters, chowder, codfish and steaks for nearly a century without a problem. But this year, the authorities learned that when the kitchen closes, patrons start dancing in the aisles.

The owners were ticketed, fined, and told if they didn’t stop they’ll be shuttered. Dancing requires a nightclub permit. They didn’t have a nightclub permit. As a result, the owners asked for a review. At first, the Zoning Board of Appeals voted 3–2 that the fines were appropriate. However, many people spoke saying they danced in the aisles long before nightclub permit laws went into effect, which meant that dancing was entitled to be grandfathered in as an acceptable ongoing activity since you can’t ticket backwards. As a result, a re-vote was taken and the board voted the other way.

Some say the Shagwong owners then danced in the aisle at the appeals board meeting. Even more trouble.

MERCENARIES

Mercenaries fight for the highest bidder. America has given billions to Ukraine. Let Ukraine outbid Putin and get those soldiers fighting the other way.

WINDMILLS

The Hamptons is blessed with 11 old 18th century windmills. This is the largest collection of windmills in America. They sit silently here, tourist attractions, in our villages.

Recently the smoke from forest fires in Canada has drifted down into the Hamptons. Let’s fire these babies up and send that smoke back where it came from.

FUNNY

The comedian Mike Birbiglia is returning to Bay Street Theater in Sag Harbor on July 29. Here’s a joke I saw on one of his YouTube clips:

“I don’t smoke a lot of pot anymore. I’m the least fun person to smoke pot with. No one wants to hang with the guy who says at the end of every sentence, “Do you guys hate me?’”

Here’s another joke, this time from my son David Rattiner.

“There’s a new law against laughing in Hawaii. You have to keep aloha.” (Hint: Say aloha slow.)

Nobody’s called from Bay Street, though.

FOR YOUR CAR

Car makers don’t want you to know about this one simple trick. It’s the new Converter Disturber. Just attach it to the tailpipe of your car. Thieves in the Hamptons don’t steal cars much. But they often go after catalytic converters. There’s a big market for them. With the Converter Disturber installed — just screw it on — the siren and flashing lights go off and scares thieves as soon as they touch your tailpipe. The Disturber also takes pictures of the perp and sends them to the police nationwide so they can make the arrest.

SHARKS, PART TWO

Consensus last night at the bar at Bobby Van’s ended with everyone agreeing the sharks are on the march because they hate being tagged, named, sent off and monitored. As soon as that activity ends, the biting will end.

EVACUATIONS

You know the road signs that read “Emergency Evacuation Route” in the Hamptons? The rumor is that they’re all going to be moved. Until now, they send drivers west to get away from a nuclear attack. Now, repositioned, they will send drivers inland to Old Sag Harbor Road in Noyac, the highest point in the Hamptons. No sharks there. Tents are being erected up top to welcome everyone.

MARCUS STROMAN

Marcus Stroman was born and raised in Patchogue. He went to Patchogue-Medford High School, then Duke, where he got a bachelor’s degree in biology. Today, at 32, he is living with the love of his life, Shannon Nadj and raising a son, Kai, now 13 months.

He is also, as this is written, the best pitcher in the National League. He pitches for the Chicago Cubs and in his last seven outings, blazing in his wicked fastball and looping slider, he’s beaten every team he’s faced, seven wins in a row: Philadelphia (6 innings, didn’t let up an earned run), the New York Mets (8 innings, 2 earned runs), Tampa Bay (9 innings, didn’t let up a run), San Diego (6 innings, didn’t let up a run), San Francisco (6 innings, 2 earned runs), Pittsburgh (6 innings 2 earned runs) and Pittsburgh again (7 innings didn’t let up a run). His ERA is currently 2.28, best in the National League.

Stroman stands 5 foot 7, surely the shortest pitcher in the majors. Average player he pitches to stands 6 foot 2. And he was invited to the All-Star Game.

“Hey Fred, can we get David in there to see him mow down the Goliaths?”

Well, that never happened. On July 10, Stroman told reporters he would be sitting out the All-Star Game.

Rest up for when it would really counts.