Giant Raccoon Is Back on the Hamptons Subway with Music Icons

SEEN ON THE SUBWAY

Paul McCartney on the Amagansett platform heading west. Paul Simon on the opposite platform heading east. They waved to one another.

IN BRIEF

Delays: Several porcelain tiles in the Hampton Bays station fell from the ceiling onto the tracks last Thursday, delaying the subways for 10 minutes. The tiles, all very expensive and imported from the Portuguese island of Madeira, are among the new and luxurious appointments at the far eastern ends of all the stations where the new luxury car for the Deluxe service comes to a halt at the front of every train.

Slow down: The time between departure at Hampton Bays and arrival at Southampton is being lengthened by four minutes because the trains now have to slow down as they pass the 150-pound raccoon who sleeps in the air duct halfway between these two stations. She is apparently pregnant.

DIGNITARIES ENJOY A RIBBON CUTTING

Hamptons Subway had the official grand opening of the new Deluxe service last Saturday. There had been a Deluxe service all summer long, but only on one train out of the six in service on the system at any one time — so you never knew if you were getting one or not. Now, with all trains having this service, it was time to celebrate and enjoy the ribbon cutting.

At 10 a.m., reporters and news anchors, along with celebrities and government officials, assembled on the platform in Southampton. And there was the newest of the Deluxe subway cars, all shined up and ready to go for its inaugural run. Important people who pay the extra fare get to enjoy Deluxe service, which includes overhead chandeliers, mahogany paneling, soft chairs, free TV on the back of each chair in front of you, royal red rugs from Turkey, free Champagne, caviar and water biscuits available from our white-coated staff. Riders also enjoy a massage and mudpack, and on this particular inaugural trip, a short performance by belly dancer Carla Knutz of East Quogue, who learned her trade in Istanbul last year.

Among those attending were Hillary and Bill Clinton, Sarah Jessica Parker, Paul McCartney, Christie Brinkley, Southampton Town Supervisor Jay Schneiderman, former Congressman Tim Bishop, Jerry Seinfeld, Rupert Murdoch and many others. At the end of the journey, which took 75 minutes on a loop to Westhampton Beach, then back to East Hampton, Sag Harbor and Bridgehampton, each of the dignitaries was given a clear glass paperweight bearing the image of a subway car and the inscription “First Passenger, Deluxe Hamptons Subway Car Service, August 26, 2023.”

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

What a wonderful day we had last Saturday, rubbing shoulders with all the celebrities and dignitaries on the platform and then joining them for the trip around the circuit in the Deluxe car. The event began at 10 a.m. with the arrival of these important personages in their limousines. As the guests emerged from the limos and stepped out onto the red carpet covering the sidewalk, the paparazzi flashed their cameras, the crowd cheered, and the official uniformed escorts of the Hampton Deluxe service led the attendees down the escalators to the platform where at the front, the brand-new gold-trimmed Deluxe subway car awaited them.

The Hampton Bays High School Marching Band played, drowning out the shouts of the hoi polloi crammed into the back cars of this special train. The attendees, who got on at Montauk and elsewhere, didn’t know what the delay was all about. The police straightened them out.

I am also particularly grateful that the police were able to disperse the group of protesters waving signs across the street from the station entrance, who were there to ruin this grand opening. They were the flagmen strikers, still not at work after all these weeks.

The only other hitch that took place at the grand opening was the problem we had with the red carpet that had been placed over the down escalator to soften the arrival of all the celebrities.

After everyone was assembled down on the platform, and after the speeches from President Joe Biden and New York State Governor Kathy Hochul, which were amplified so they could be heard over the loud objections of the back-end subway riders, the ribbon got cut and then someone apparently turned on the down escalator, which had been turned off when the red carpet had been placed over it.

The escalator, moving down, pushed the red carpet down and ate it, and it is currently out of service as workmen poke around its innards looking to remove the remains from the gears of the escalator.

Fortunately, at the end of the ride, our dignitaries were able to ride the up escalator without a problem.

RACCOON RETURNS AND RIDERS WILL LIVE WITH IT

A 150-pound raccoon, who escaped from an air duct in the subway system while being rescued last week, is back in the air duct again. And this time, the Hamptons Subway security service is just going to leave her there.

Eight days ago, riders of the subway noticed that on the K Line between Southampton and Hampton Bays, there was a spot where the venting system seemed to be blocked on occasion. Every once in a while, things were kind of stuffy for the riders as they passed by this spot.

An investigation revealed that this giant raccoon had gotten herself into the air duct that leads from the tunnel up to the surface there. She was moving freely inside the duct, but every once in a while she’d sit on the vent, blocking it and causing the stuffiness. Environmentalists came, including officials from the Bronx Zoo, who said this was the largest raccoon in the entire world and they wanted to display it. The raccoon was darted and, while asleep, snared and brought up to a cage on the grass set above the duct grating there, but the raccoon soon woke up, and apparently, with considerable effort, managed to bend the bars, climb out and run off into the woods.

Although a wide search of Shinnecock ensued, with people being urged to lock their doors at night, nothing turned up. But then, the stuffiness returned, and Hamptons Subway officials found that she was back in the vent, now visibly pregnant, having built a nest in there. And we are going to leave her be.