Hamptons Subway to Become Exclusive Club

HAMPTONS SUBWAY SOON TO BE AN EXCLUSIVE CLUB?

Two Middle Eastern businessmen, Ali Xavier Bedoin and Abu Hussein Alibaba, have contracted to buy the Hamptons Subway and will shortly begin the process of converting it into a stunning and absolutely amazing exclusive private club called the Hamptons Subway Club. If you are one of the privileged few who can afford the very best, read on. If you are not capable of possessing such a level of opulence, please leave off reading here.

The Hamptons Subway, the original before its soon-to-be transformation into a private club, is 62 miles of underground tunnels, tracks and platforms, originally built by the wealthy and brilliant New York City railroad baron and general contractor Ivan Kratz in 1927. Constructed with the finest pre-war building materials — the very same ones used in the construction of the New York City subway system that Kratz himself built some years earlier — the system was never opened when it was built.

Instead, it lay abandoned and unused. In 1997, a hole dug to remove underground superfund material in Sag Harbor uncovered the Sag Harbor platform and station. By following the tunnels, the authorities then discovered the entire system, which subsequently became the largest privately owned subway system in America, a thriving service that continued until just one month ago, when, unbeknownst to the general public, it was discovered that the commissioner of the subway, Bill Aspinall, had looted the treasury of the corporation, thus putting the system in desperate straits. It was then sold to Hussein Bedoin Club LLD for $2.

This opulent underground club had been scheduled to open Columbus Day weekend. But the date has now been pushed back to November 10 because of interest expressed by New York State officials in repurchasing the club and continuing its public use.

Considering the demands of the principals of Hussein Bedoin and the costs they will have to carry in making the conversion, the price would have to exceed $1.1 billion. And so we managers of the subway believe that little will come of this sales effort and so are proceeding to make the opening day plans for Thanksgiving Day when Barbra Streisand, Britney Spears, Vice President Kamala Harris and the Ruler of Dubai, Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, will be in attendance.

Taylor Swift will perform a reprise of her song “Cruel Summer.” A celebrated local disc jockey named Bib Mess, whom we expect big things from, will play the original masters of songs by Frank Sinatra for the legendary RCA Victor label. All media and the general public will be barred from attending this gala as it will be for members only and we will expect people to respect that.

For those who have the wherewithal, which will consist of at least an eight-figure net worth and a cash initiation of $1 million, here is what can be expected.

Each train will consist of nine opulent Deluxe parlor cars, fully equipped with club chairs, Wi-Fi, mahogany and stained glass, Victorian chandeliers, original art lent to the club by the Metropolitan Museum of Art, oriental rugs, software experts, masseuses and white-glove meal service by a celebrated New York chef. We expect that Daniel Boulud himself will oversee this.

The art from the Met hanging in each car will be changed on a frequent basis, with different painters featured on different trains every week. For our opening week, we will feature the artists of the Impressionist period — Cezanne, Monet, Toulouse-Lautrec and Renoir.

The caboose of each train will be a chilled wine cellar on wheels from which club members may pick some of the greatest vintages for their personal and immediate consumption. Some trains will have red wine cellar cars, others will have whites. All the information about each will be posted at the former token booths of all the stations at the start of every day.

A special cigar car where people can smoke and play whist will be on every train just in front of the wine cellar cars.

There will be special “men only” cars, available by request. There will also be special cars for “women only” by request, each decorated in the special fashion appropriate for each sex. Certain trains on special days will have lectures given by experts on different subjects. The topics and schedules will be posted at the token booths.

Robert Trent Jones Jr. is converting the Noyac-North Sea line into the finest 18-hole low-numbered all-irons golf course in the world. Most of the holes will be straight. There will be a dogleg eighth hole at the Trout Pond turn, which, of course, will also feature an underground water hole. Each platform will be decorated in a theme that will change monthly. The theme for all the stations will be, for the inaugural month, all the same.

The title is “Bon Voyage,” featuring balloons, decorations, confetti and speeches from well-wishers in the political community. As you probably know, there are four separate lines. On each train on each day will be a celebrity, walking and shaking hands as he or she moves through the cars. Ask about their private lives.

We are building a separate and entirely secure Earth Central club in the back of the Southampton platform that will be offered by private invitation only to our wealthiest and most innovative members. Here, lecturers of the very highest quality will speak. And there will be discussions about the world economy, business changes and possible mergers or divestitures. It will be modeled after the annual retreat at Davos, and what goes on there will be so exclusive that we cannot even report on it. Rudy Giuliani is being hired to provide security for Earth Central.

Membership in the Hamptons Subway Club, of course, will be highly selective and limited to just two thousand. Almost all have already been sold. Only a few are left. If you are interested in joining, please call me, Sean MacTavish, the new club manager, at 516-529-3564.

And for those interested friends of the former subway commissioner, Bill Aspinall, we are pleased to announce that the first conference on the 22 charges of graft, swindling, fraud and bribery placed against him by the district attorney will be held at the Second District Courthouse in Islip on Monday morning at 9 a.m. before Judge Irene Hardman.