Hamptons Subway Celebrates Halloween, Enjoys Royal Visit

HAMPTONS SUBWAY NEWSLETTER

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Liev Schreiber and his daughter Hazel Bee were seen boarding a train from the East Hampton platform on their way to enjoy The Spielberg Drop, the fun amusement park ride which has its entrance at the Shinnecock stop. They waved and smiled at our cameras. Japanese Prime Minister Fumio Kishida was seen striding through the Westhampton Beach stop on his way to wherever it was (he would not say). In North Sea, golfer Tiger Woods, now retired, was seen arm in arm with Douglas Elliman chief Dottie Herman, apparently on their way to look at a house.

OUR HALLOWEEN PARADE

The children of the Hamptons are invited to the inaugural Hamptons Subway Halloween Parade. Taking place on the subway system at 2:15 a.m., which is 15 minutes after the last train comes through before our nightly maintenance, Hamptons Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall will award a first prize after he wakes up the next morning and views the parade reel from the subway’s surveillance cameras. The award will go to the best Halloween costume he sees that completes the 40-mile walk from our Westhampton stop to our downtown Montauk stop that night.

Kids ages 3 to 13 are eligible to begin the walk at Westhampton, but they must be led down the escalators by their parents since they could, many of them, trip on their costumes as they come down the escalator to begin their walk. The parents will then be obliged to pick up their children in Montauk at the end.

First prize is a free pass to use the subway for the winner’s entire family, however many that is, though it must include only parents and siblings, for the entire month of November.

“It is unprecedented that the subway system is awarding a free pass for so many for so long. Take advantage of what our subway executives have decided before they change their minds,” the commissioner said. “It’s up to you to get your parents to take you at that hour to Westhampton for the beginning of the walk at 2:15, which will be started by the firing of a cannon on that platform at that hour.”

The commissioner has also told us that during that night the witches and skeletons will have the run of the entire subway system, with no maintenance crew present. That crew will have the night off. The subway can remain dirty for one night a year, it seems to him.

KING OF BASINOBA VISITED HAMPTONS SUBWAY ON OCTOBER 25

Juan Carlos Sinatra Alexander, the king of the newly independent African country of Basinoba, visited the Hamptons Subway system all day on Wednesday, October 25. Residents of Westhampton Beach were astonished to see a team of zebras pulling a wagon decked out so elaborately that it looked like a float from Mardi Gras as it headed up toward the airport to meet his plane.

The entourage enjoying the day with the king consisted of about 50 people, among them the king’s private manicurist and palm fan person, who, because it was a cool day, just walked smartly alongside the king with his fan held still but straight up.

President Joe Biden met King Alexander, but, because he had other appointments, soon left Subway Commissioner Aspinall to accompany the king on his all-day tour of the Hamptons Subway.

The king became interested in the Hamptons Subway when he set out to find a new currency for his country. Currently he uses U.S. dollars. Learning there were 1.2 billion New York City subway tokens no longer in use now stored in a 10,000-square-foot vault underneath the Hamptons Subway headquarters building in Hampton Bays, he offered to pay $1.2 billion for 1.2 billion subway tokens. The offer was accepted.

King Alexander showered the adoring crowds that lined all the subway platforms with lychee nuts as is the custom in Basinoba when he moves through a crowd. Lychee nuts were available for free in big buckets sitting alongside the token booths on every platform. At 3 p.m., King Alexander stopped briefly at the Hampton Bays platform and was taken to the subway building to view the subway tokens. He also stopped at the Amagansett platform to enjoy a concert given for him by celebrated local rock group The Lone Sharks.

SUBWAY APPLIES TO TEAR DOWN HAMPTON BAYS HEADQUARTERS

Yesterday, the Hamptons Subway made an application with the Southampton Town Building Department to tear down their headquarters in order to remove 1.2 billion subway tokens from a vault under that building. There apparently is no other way to get the tokens out of there. After the building is torn down, the subway system will move to a temporary headquarters in a small house in Quogue. After the tokens are removed, the old headquarters building, built in 1927, will be rebuilt as before.

Objections were raised by residents of Hampton Bays who live near the headquarters building, who said that if approved, this would raise huge amounts of dust and noise that could keep them up nights and destroy their quality of life for as long as a year.

The Hampton Bays Historical Society filed an objection, saying that a replacement of the historic building that had been constructed in the brutal but celebrated Fascist style prevalent in Germany at that time would not be the same as if it was simply rebuilt. They want all the stones tagged and saved, and then the building rebuilt with the same material. Meanwhile, protesters from Quogue demonstrated in front of the current headquarters, bearing signs reading “No Whoo-hoo in Quogue, Please.”

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

We wish to thank our ruler, King Alexander, for graciously allowing us to adore him on October 27 here in our subway system. He is a delight. And I had a wonderful lunch with him at Page at 63 Main in Sag Harbor where we stopped along the way.

As cleanup proceeds, with our service people chasing down every last lychee nut and rose petal in the system, I am taking a few days in Cancun to get some much-needed sun after my terrifying one-month-long experience on Death Row. Believe me, I will follow the letter of the law from this time forward and forever more. No more stealing for me. I’m done. That was it. You betcha.