Hamptons Subway Expects Royal Visit, Raccoon Returns for Good

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Nighttime TV host Jimmy Fallon took the Hamptons Subway from Amagansett to Montauk last Friday. He stood the entire time, hanging by a strap, while reading Variety.

On Sunday in East Hampton, Paul McCartney spent 10 minutes waiting for the express train, humming an unusual and striking little tune, but people standing nearby said it was drowned out by the local trains pulling through.

Drew Barrymore subwayed from Southampton to Sag Harbor on Sunday.

THE MEXICAN CONNECTION

Commissioner Bill Aspinall and the rest of the management here were shocked to hear how illegal immigrants have been flooding into the Hamptons. They learned of it from former President Donald Trump, who revealed how they were doing it in a speech he made yesterday outside a New Jersey courtroom. “Mexican drug dealers are entering an underground tunnel in Tijuana that goes directly to Southampton,” Trump said. “President Joe Biden knows all about it. Sad.”

Indeed, several employees of the subway reported not long ago seeing a suspicious-looking man wearing a sombrero and a heavy jacket with a bulge in it on one of the platforms.

As a result of the speech, Aspinall immediately ordered a search of all the tunnels to find the door where this Hamptons Connection opens to allow the influx of alleged drug smugglers. So far, however, the tunnel door has not been found.

“It’s well hidden, apparently,” the commissioner told the press last week. “But we will leave no turn unstoned,” he said. That phrase, which was upside down from what he meant to say — no stone unturned — has gone viral, and so far has garnered more than 63 million viewers on TikTok.

He and the rest of his staff are now thinking of getting in touch with the construction company that built the Second Avenue Subway tunnel in Manhattan.

They own a tunnel-boring machine, a vehicle the size of a locomotive that has a giant screw on the front. When activated, that machine can screw its way through anything — concrete and dirt — to create a tunnel underground. If brought here, it could bore new tunnels everywhere until one crisscrosses with the one from Mexico.

RACCOON RETURNS AND RIDERS WILL LIVE WITH IT

The giant raccoon, apparently the largest in the whole world, is back in the air duct again. And this time, the Hamptons Subway security team is just going to leave him there.

The environmentalist who got eaten by the raccoon has been identified as 29-year-old Todd Green from Buffalo.

SCHEDULE FOR THE VISIT OF THE KING OF BASINOBA

Juan Carlos Sinatra Alexander, the esteemed king of the newly independent African country of Basinoba, will be visiting the Hamptons Subway System next Wednesday. He will be arriving in his private Boeing 747 at the Francis S. Gabreski Airport in Westhampton Beach at 9 a.m., where he will be met by President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Antony Blinken, who will then accompany him to the Eastport stop.

He will spend the day here traveling the entire underground route of the subway from Eastport to Montauk, with a side trip from Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor, where he will have lunch at the American Hotel with Congressman Tim Bishop (D-NY) and Subway Commissioner Aspinall.

Blinken will accompany the entourage without President Biden, as the president must leave for an important meeting with Chairman Xi Jinping of China at Camp David that afternoon. Alexander will return to the airport in Westhampton at 7 p.m. for the trip back to Africa.

LETTERS TO THE SUBWAY EDITOR

“Why doesn’t King Alexander have lunch at Gosman’s? It is halfway.” –Frank K. of Montauk

King Alexander will have jet lag. Also, he does not like lobster.

“Is it true the subway will be closed during King Alexander’s visit?” –Jeanie J. of Westhampton

No. But there will be delays at the various platforms as the presidential party comes through. You will see many flags of Basinoba in the stations and on the front of the trains. You will also see the Finnish guards who go with the king everywhere, which we reported exclusively in the newsletter last week.

“Why is King Alexander of Basinoba visiting Hamptons Subway?” –Jolly H. of Sag Harbor

President Alexander is purchasing 1.2 billion subway tokens from the Hamptons Subway for $1.2 billion to have the token become the official currency of his new country, which is currently using the dollar. Due to official international regulations, it is necessary that the underground portion of Hamptons Subway officially be part of Basinoba for a one-year period. He is therefore visiting part of his own country.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

We’re honored to be visited on October 25 by King Alexander of the Kingdom of Basinoba. We ask that everyone using the subway on that day be polite and respectful of the king and greet him with the official sign of friendship in that African nation, which is by holding your right arm forward and raising your middle finger and wiggling it left and right.

Another thing you might notice during his visit is the persuasive smell of garlic that will fill our subway tunnels. Wherever the king goes, his attendants fill the air with his favorite scent, which he says reminds him of his youth growing up on a garlic farm in the southeastern corner of his country.

Subway riders also will notice a slowdown in our service during the two days prior to his arrival as workmen from Basinoba scrub the accumulated soot off the interior walls of the subway system with special brushes. These walls have not been cleaned since the subway was built in 1927. Be aware that the trains must slow down as they go by these workmen to give them time to get out of the way.

It’s possible you might see them alongside the subways just outside the subway windows as we go through. Don’t be alarmed. This tribe of workmen from north central Basinoba, white-skinned with red hair, have bones through their noses as a sign of their tribal membership.

A bronze life-size statue of the two leaders, commissioned by my office and designed by noted sculptor Alexi O’Malley, will be in place on the Eastport platform as the king arrives. There will be a short ceremony to dedicate the statue there.