Pope Blesses Hamptons Subway, Commissioner Aspinall Freed

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Celebrities seen on the subway this week: Christie Brinkley on the platform in Montauk, Mike Lupica reading The New York Review of Books while waiting on the platform in Amagansett, Howard Stern with some friends on the Westhampton Beach platform, Paris Hilton getting on the Deluxe car in Southampton.

Delays: The trains on the F Line running eastbound from North Sea Station through Noyac to Sag Harbor will experience a slowdown Wednesday as employees replace shattered light bulbs and clear the tunnel of golf balls on the tracks. A similar slowdown will occur Thursday on the westbound F Line.

POPE BLESSES HAMPTONS SUBWAY

While visiting New York City, Pope Francis was asked to issue a blessing on the reopening of Hamptons Subway, which he did at 5 p.m. on October 5. The blessing was filmed. See it on our website.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I can’t tell you how good it is to be back, in the saddle, so to speak, here at Hamptons Subway headquarters in Hampton Bays. One morning they came for me on death row and I figure this is it. They are taking me to the chair. Instead, they took me to a meeting with Hampton Mayor Patterson, the U.N. Ambassador from the Kingdom of Basinoba, the New York State Attorney General Letitia James and Jesse Abrams, an East Quogue carpenter who has been heading up the Hamptons Subway volunteers who kept the trains running during these past two weeks. Two hours after that, the charges against me were dropped and I was back here running the subway system. I can hardly believe it.

The key to the whole thing turned out to be the 1.2 billion former Hamptons Subway tokens we no longer use that we had stored in a vault here under subway headquarters. I freely admit that I had lied to King Juan Carlos Sinatra Alexander of the Kingdom of Basinoba when I told him that they were my own personal subway tokens. As you may know, this newly declared African kingdom, which is currently using dollars, wishes to buy these tokens for a dollar a token so that that wonderful country can have its own currency. Indeed, I signed an agreement to sell the tokens to him. And yes, I had airline tickets for myself and my family to take us away to a foreign country where we might have lived out the rest of our lives in unparalleled opulence. (I can say this because all the charges have been dropped.)

Because the volunteers cannot run the subway system forever, a bill had been up for a vote in Albany for the state to buy the subway for $1.2 billion, with the money coming from the next 10 years of real estate transfer tax money collected, money that was supposed to be used for land preservation. Yes, I own the subway, and yes, I would have gotten that $1.2 billion, too.

So here is what happened at that meeting. It was agreed that in exchange for all charges against me being dropped, the Hamptons Subway would be purchased by the state of New York for $1.2 billion using the money that I received from selling the King of Basinoba 1.2 billion subway tokens for $1.2 billion. In addition to this, I would be offered my old job back at my old pay, since, frankly, I had been the commissioner of the subway system for the last 20 years, and no matter what else you might say about me, I did make the trains run on time.

There were a few minor glitches that had to be ironed out. I had to agree to make restitution to the subway system of the $42 million I had embezzled during the last 20 years, which is why I was on death row. Another glitch was that none of this could happen under the laws of the United States. And so until this deal is completed, which will take about a year, the underground part of the Hamptons Subway will be part of the Kingdom of Basinoba. During this upcoming year, the new parliament of the Kingdom of Basinoba, which will be elected and seated next month, will pass Basinoba laws making this whole transaction legal. So it will have been a legal Basinoba transaction. After a year, Hamptons Subway will be returned to the United States of America.

This plan is already underway. You may have already noticed the strange green and purple flags mounted on all the subway entrances with the sign “Welcome to Basinoba” underneath them. There are also framed photographs of King Alexander everywhere. Feel free to ignore them. Also ignore, but do not bother, the uniformed Finnish policemen holding spears and shields, who are monitoring the platforms for security and safety. The Finnish policemen are part of the Finnish Royal Guard, who have the job of guarding the King of Basinoba at all times. They are modeled after the Praetorian Guard in the English Empire a century ago that guarded the Indian rulers in India. And they are selected from among a small enclave of Finns who live in a valley in Southwest Basinoba.

The borders between Basinoba below ground and America above ground are open borders. During this year, you will not need passports or visas to go up and down. On the other hand, you will be using official Basinoba currency while you are underground. Those are the subway tokens you will now be purchasing for $1 at all token booths.

It’s good to be back. And I am happy to say that everyone who had a job on the old Hamptons Subway is now being offered a new job with the state of New York in the subway at his or her old rate of pay.

Next week, King Juan Carlos Sinatra Alexander of the Kingdom of Basinoba will tour the subway system. We will have a report about it in the paper, of course.

As for me, in my spare time, I am writing a book. It will be called Being on Death Row Without Having Killed Anybody and the publisher gave me a hefty advance, let me tell you. Publication of it will take place during the celebration and ceremony, one year from now, when the Hamptons Subway is returned to the jurisdiction of United States of America.