Ask Beatty: My Daughter Continues to Beat Me Up Emotionally - Enough Is Enough

I routinely receive emails and occasionally phone calls from Dan’s Papers readers who have taken the time to discuss (and sometimes disagree) with a position that I have taken in one of my “Ask Beatty” columns. I recently received a “Dear Beatty” email from Hannah Fame Lasurdo from the Springs-Amagansett area, commenting on the advice that I gave to “Sharon” in my October 13 column. Yes, she gave me written permission to use her real name and share her comments with you.

If you recall, Sharon was seeking my guidance about what to do about her married daughter who routinely beats her up verbally and emotionally. I suggested that she take charge of setting appropriate boundaries so that she would not continue to fall prey to her daughter’s ongoing toxic and abusive behavior. However, I was so very impressed with Ms. Lasurdo’s thoughtful and insightful email, that I decided to share it in its entirety.

Dear Beatty,

I don’t usually respond to things like this, but this one really got under my skin. There’s a huge epidemic right now of younger generations trying to break the cycles of toxic parenting. It’s extremely difficult and draining to do. All we need from our boomer parents is for them to listen to us, believe us, apologize for the ways they hurt us and offer to help in the current moment. Just some good old fashioned humility! Instead what we get if we bring up the past, or even mention how their current behaviors or comments are hurtful, is defensiveness, anger, resentment, gaslighting and estrangement.

The resolution in most instances is simple — right in front of their noses. However, being “right” to many parents is often prioritized over being “kind.” So as a professional, if you want to help this woman, please don’t omit the obvious fix. Family therapy is a great suggestion. How many boomers refuse “headshrinkers” and many live too far away to be able to meet for therapy sessions. And often, therapy isn’t even needed. If only the parents could find some humility and unconditional love in their hearts, the wounds could be mended. Nobody wants to lose the love and support of their parents. In the vast majority of cases, it’s the children who were the victims and not the parents.

I would make sure that the mother isn’t saying, “I’m sorry I was such a terrible mother,” or “I’m sorry for everything,” thinking that’s all that she needs to do. Parents of hurt and wounded adults often do this to rip the bandage off, get the apology over and allow themselves to say, “I already apologized,” without ever having to be specific, attentive, insightful or self-reflective. The mother should be present, listen and make sure her apologies are heartfelt and not defensive. It could make a world of difference to her daughter if she could say things like, “I’m listening, tell me more about how that made you feel. I was unaware at the time, but I’m here to help you heal now.” This is not the time for the parent to say things like, “I sacrificed for you, I worked so hard. I had no idea. How was I supposed to know? You’re too sensitive, you need to leave the past in the past. I too was suffering. My own parents never did that for me.” Do you hear the difference between those tones — tones of genuine apology versus tones of defensiveness and denial?

I appreciate your willingness to hear new thoughts on the subject.

–Hannah 

Dear Hannah,

Thank you so much for your very insightful email. As it happens, “Sharon” is a patient of mine, who I have treated for many years. In my professional opinion, she has tried to do and say everything possible (as you have suggested), to try and mend and heal the mother-daughter wounds. To date, their relationship remains shattered. “Sharon” hasn’t stopped trying, nor will she ever. The situation breaks her heart. However, what we all need to remember is this: No good or positive resolution can ever come about personally, professionally or politically if we allow and enable people to hurt, humiliate and abuse us. It is incumbent upon each of us to know when to say, “Enough is enough!”

Beatty Cohan, MSW, LCSW, AASECT is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly “Ask Beatty Show” on the Progressive Radio Network.

She has a private practice in NYC and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can email your questions and comments to beattycohan.msw@gmail.com. For more info, go to beattycohan.com.