Hamptons Subway Has a New Statue and Visits from Eric Adams & J.K. Rowling

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Delays: There will be a 20-minute delay on the Hampton Bays platform as New York City Mayor Eric Adams gives a wreath of accomplishment to our esteemed Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall for an entire month of delay-free subway service.

Howard Stern was seen juggling oranges down on the platform in Sag Harbor. What is that all about? In Amagansett, J. K. Rowling was seen toting a copy of Hamptons Private by Dan Rattiner. She said she got it at the BookHampton store. Former Governor Andrew Cuomo was seen on the Southampton platform with his brother Chris. They were discussing basketball.

ROWDY HALL

A new dining kiosk has been set up on the Amagansett platform for the popular restaurant Rowdy Hall. Rowdy recently moved its location from Main Street, East Hampton to Main Street, Amagansett, where it has become involved in a controversy with the town about the color the facade has been painted. It was painted black when it was in East Hampton, but its new location is a historic district where black is not allowed. They painted it black anyway.

So there is a problem. In any case, Hamptons Subway says the kiosk on the Amagansett platform was put there without permission so it will have to go. Rowdy Hall’s owners say the kiosk on the platform is just a pop-up establishment for the holidays and so will be gone after New Year’s Day. Notably, it is also painted black.

NEW STATUE ON SOUTHAMPTON PLATFORM

Internationally known sculptor Avon Van Sickle, whose studio is in the woods of Water Mill, has just placed a giant 10-foot statue on the platform in Southampton for all to enjoy. It was commissioned by Hamptons Subway under the direction of Mr. Aspinall, our esteemed commissioner. The statue has become controversial. It is located between the turnstiles and the edge of the platform, and, made of stainless steel, shows a young man leaping high over a turnstile.

“That’s illegal,” one straphanger, who did not want to be identified, said to our reporter. The straphanger said that it should be removed. Now it seems that a whole new group of young people are saving the $2.75 fare by illegally jumping over the real turnstiles behind the 10-foot statue, trying to see if they can get up that high. The commissioner says he understands this. But the statue stays.

KING OF BASINOBA RESCUED AFTER DISASTER

The 1.2 billion subway tokens that had been stored under the Hampton Bays headquarters of Hamptons Subway were officially turned over to the king of the new African nation of Basinoba, Juan Carlos Sinatra Alexander, by Commissioner Bill Aspinall on Friday. The exchange occurred as the last of the fishing boats carrying the remaining bags of tokens were about to take them out to the official freighter anchored just offshore of Sag Harbor, with the red, blue and yellow colors of Basinoba’s flag off the stern.

This was the last of the four quarter-mile-long freighters, and this was the final load of subway tokens taken from Hampton Bays. King Alexander, surrounded by his Finnish guards as always, presented the certified check to Commissioner Aspinall — 1.2 billion tokens for $1.2 billion.

“We are pleased to now have these tokens for our official currency,” said the king. “In our country’s language, we spell Basinoba with an “H” at the front. It’s Hbasinoba. So this is perfect.”

The commissioner, beaming proudly, shook the king’s hand vigorously as he took the check. And he said, “Thank you very much. … Godspeed.”

It was a short trip. After lots of waving and smiling from the fishing boat as it went out to the freighter, and after the Sag Harbor High School marching band played its final John Philip Sousa number, the king and his guards boarded the freighter. The freighter started its engines, and, carrying nearly 200 tons of cargo, moved slowly forward — and then, in minutes, sank.

After that, chaos reigned. Fire boats and Coast Guard boats went out to the spot and rescued the crew of the ship, including the king, all of whom had the presence of mind to run for the lifeboats as soon as they heard the ship shift.

“It made a metallic jingling noise as it shifted,” said the first mate, who was also rescued. “Then it just turned on its side, and sank stern first. It went down real fast.”

The only casualty in the sinking was the king’s pet iguana. And for a while, it was thought that one of the Finns was not accounted for. But it turned out that he had been in the bathroom when everything happened. He soon floated up, just fine.

As the Coast Guard and fire boats were heading back to shore with everybody, Commissioner Aspinall ran to the Bank of America on Main Street and immediately cashed the check. Then he went off to Hampton Bays in his limousine.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

First of all, the king is fine. He is resting comfortably and is talking about returning immediately to his homeland by plane, so he can greet the three freighter loads of tokens when they arrive. He also talks about having me refund the money, or at least one-quarter of the money, which I will not do. The tokens were sold fair and square. He’s got 900 million tokens on the way. And he’s got 300 million tokens we delivered to his freighter. Too bad it sank.

I will, however, as a gesture of good will, offer whatever remaining tokens we can scare up. We want each and every one of you to find whatever subway tokens you can around the house, in your shirt pockets, in your purses, wallets, wherever, and bring them to the Hampton Bays office before Friday.

We will add those to the 150,000 tokens squirreled away in a Bob’s storage bin in Westhampton Beach, which we had intended to use until the new subway cards are delivered, which will be in two weeks. And we will ship these by plane, accompanying the king back to his native land. Now, here’s the best part. Until the new cards arrive, the subway is free.