Ask Beatty: Managing Holiday Joys & Holiday Blues

It’s a never-ending stream of advertisements and holiday music that routinely reminds us that the holidays are meant to be and must be a time of love, happiness, joy and connection to be shared with friends and family. Expectations are raised and emotional buttons are pushed to the limit. Pictures of smiling people enjoying elegant meals together and constant reminders of the multitude of gifts that we can and should buy for ourselves and others continually pop up on our phones and devices.

For many fortunate people, the holidays are indeed a time to celebrate, rejoice and connect with loved ones. There is a parallel reality, though, that intrudes on that joyous scenario. Millions in this country and hundreds of millions of people around the world are trying to simply get through their days as best as they can, as they attempt to cope with their reality of poverty, war, loneliness, family estrangement, divorce, abuse of various kinds, addiction, unemployment and illness.

Their daily plights have to do with survival. These people need to work much harder to find ways to experience joy and happiness in their everyday lives. Finding and creating ways to enjoy the holidays under dire circumstances becomes an even greater challenge. In this season of supposed universal brotherhood and sisterhood, are you open to reach out to a friend or family member or even a stranger who might be struggling and help that person in some small way?

HOLIDAY JOYS

If you happen to be one of the fortunate ones, whose lives and relationships are mostly happy and joyful, try and enjoy every moment. You have been given a gift. Appreciate your good fortune and practice gratefulness and gratitude every day. As we get caught up in our own lives, it’s easy to take people for granted. We need to remember to routinely thank the people in our lives who support and love us.

We can all take 30 seconds during the course of a day to send a text or email or, even better, make a phone call and let the special people in our lives know that we are thinking about them. These are the relationships (not material goods or money), that sustain and nourish us, not just during the holidays, but throughout our entire lives. Cherish them!

HOLIDAY BLUES

I recently received a letter from “Lisette,” a Southampton real estate broker, who asked my advice about how to get through the holidays in the middle of an unexpected, traumatic and painful divorce.

DEAR BEATTY,

I am a 58-year-old Southampton real estate broker whose husband recently asked me for a divorce. We have been married for over 25 years and have one daughter who is in college. I thought our marriage was really quite good, at least most of the time. Six weeks ago, my husband told me that he hadn’t been happy for quite some time and wanted a divorce. As far as I know, he is not having an affair. I was shocked and devastated. I begged him to reconsider and get counseling. He was adamant and told me that he had already seen a lawyer. We have yet to tell our daughter.

We had made plans for the holidays to get together with friends and family and had even planned a trip for just the two of us. I have so many questions that he refuses to answer. Can you give me some advice about how I can get through the holidays? Should we wait until the holidays are over to tell our daughter? Should I proceed with our holiday plans? I really don’t know what would be best.

Lisette, Southampton

DEAR LISETTE,

I am so sorry for your pain. You were clearly blindsided! It’s so unfortunate that your husband was unwilling or unable to express his feelings of discontent long before he got to the point of wanting a divorce. I always encourage people to check in with each other on a regular basis and have “how are we really doing” conversations. This always helps to keep people open and honest about what is happening and not happening in their relationships. It seems that you have no choice but to hire a divorce attorney to ensure that you are legally and financially protected.

As for telling your daughter, there is never going to be a good or easy time. I think that waiting until the holidays are over and pretending that all is well will only put more stress on you. I would suggest that you and your husband tell her together and reassure her that you both love her and will always be there for her, regardless of the divorce. I would also tell your close friends and family about this new reality. Hopefully, they will be supportive and helpful. This is not the time to try and navigate this crisis on your own.

Try to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Make sure that you get enough sleep and exercise and be mindful of maintaining a healthy diet. If you feel that you need additional support, don’t hesitate to reach out to a divorce support group or to a professional for some short-term counseling. I wish you the very best.

Beatty Cohan, MSW, LCSW, AASECT is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly “Ask Beatty Show” on the Progressive Radio Network.

She has a private practice in NYC and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can email your questions and comments to beattycohan.msw@gmail.com. For more info, go to beattycohan.com.