News from the North Pole & More Christmas Stories

KNITTED BOOTIES

This Christmas, for the first time, our eight tiny reindeer will be wearing woolen booties on their hooves. Not only will the booties keep their hooves warm, they will also deaden the sound that the reindeer make when they land on everyone’s roofs on Christmas Eve.

The booties were made by the Elf Sewing Club under the supervision of Mrs. Claus. They had to be made not too loose so they would not fall off and not too tight so they would not hurt to wear them.

The boots’ colors were decided upon by Mrs. Claus after consulting with Santa, who said to go ahead and make them however you want so long as they are red with white trim. The wool was delivered by train from Mongolia, where, back on Nov. 15, special white Mongolian sheep were sheared, and a red striped candy cane was sewn on the big toe of each bootie to honor the North Pole flag fluttering on the tall flagpoles high atop each of the great sheds where all the toys for good girls and boys are wrapped.

GRUMPY RETURNS

As we reported last month, Elf Grumpy left the North Pole to take a job with an oil rig company drilling nearby in the Hatcheekoochie Valley, a hundred miles from Fairbanks. He wanted to leave us because nobody pays for work with money. Money is simply not used at the North Pole. It’s not slavery as he says, it’s about family. And there’s so much to do.

Elves read the incoming mail, make the toys in the big sheds, wrap them and scribble on the gift cards, and, under the direction of Santa and his assistant Bella McPherson, who is the daughter of Mrs. Claus’ sister, feed the reindeer, eat heaps of good food (three meals a day), join in carols and games indoors and out, and, in the mornings after exercising, go sleigh riding on the big sleigh-riding hills before coming in to do chores.

Grumpy threatened to take his case to the media, which sometimes comes up here on the Polar Express from the Lower 48 to do interviews. He called the North Pole a plantation, with two 8-hour shifts slaving away at manufacturing toys, doing bookkeeping, writing letters, mucking out the reindeer stalls, wrapping gifts and shelving the presents. The work is never done. Room and board just doesn’t cut it. A sweatshop is a sweatshop.

Santa said upon hearing this, “Well, Elf Grumpy, if that’s how you feel, go with our blessing.” And so Elf Grumpy did, taking a new job as a wildcatter on an oil rig for the Hughes Oil Company there in Hatcheekoochie, which, he was told, was one of the most successful oil operations in the business.

He joined the union. He was paid well. He worked only 28 hours a week; his specialty was working in small spaces, and he enjoyed two-hour lunches, maternity leave, medical care and accident insurance. And he spent his money right there in Hatcheekoochie, in the clothing stores, ski shops, restaurants and that row of bars and clubs that line the main drag in that town.

And well, after 30 days, he came home.

“I missed everybody,” he said. “All that money, well, it was just money. I missed Sleepy and Goofy and Melvin and all the rest. And I missed home cooking and the skiing and square dancing in the evenings, and, especially, my old job, replying every day to the thousands of letters we got from all over the world from boys and girls who said they were good.

“So back I came.”

“Feel free to go off and do it again if you wish,” Santa said. “Meanwhile, we have your old stools and desks waiting for you in the South of the Border shed where they speak Spanish and the Eastern Europe shed where everyone speaks Italian, Ukranian, Polish and French. Or maybe you’d just like to milk the cows. Up to you.”

“Is the Sugar Plum Fairy still here?” Grumpy asked.

“Of course she is. And you can help by recharging her magic wand every hour on the hour. There’s also an opening in my official taster unit. Come get fat and every evening go to rehab to work it off.”

“I’ll do whatever you ask,” Elf Grumpy said. “I love you all.”

SMOKELESS

The longtime tradition of those not wanting gifts on Christmas — there are such people — lighting fires so smoke roars up their chimneys so Santa cannot get down, well, it’s coming to an end. It’s just too much smoke. Instead, this year, those wishing to avoid gifts will place the red caps that were sent out this past month atop their chimneys. Same idea, more environmentally correct. Just use the tape provided.

MAILROOM COMPUTERIZED?

Facebook, Apple, Microsoft, Ford Motors and Samsung got together last year and as a gift computerized the incoming mail department at the North Pole. Robots flew mail planes, offloaded the letters into trucks through chutes and onto conveyor belts in the big sheds so other robots could slit the envelopes open, scan the contents, categorize them by country, kind and size, and then advise artificial intelligence bots to write replies in the style and language they came in on. As a joyous, gentle touch, they mechanically sang Christmas songs while they worked.

A study made after last year ended showed that the operation ran more than twice as fast as it had before, but, with further discussion, it was decided that enough was enough and all the old ways were back in place this year.

AUCTION DECEMBER 29

Amazon and eBay, also offering their services for free, have now begun putting the nearly 1 million pieces of used computerized material up for auction at half price to all comers. The auction is scheduled for Dec. 29 at 9 a.m. under the expected aurora borealis. Profits will be used to build housing for the homeless, in particular new homes with tall chimneys so on upcoming Christmas Eves, Santa and the elves can land softly on their roofs, with Santa climbing down, leaving presents in the community rooms under the trees, and then climbing back up to continue on with present delivery everywhere else.

Merry Christmas from all of us up here, working hard for all of you around the globe down there.

HELP PRESERVE DAN’S PAPERS 1960–2023

Stony Brook University intends to digitize the complete set of Dan’s Papers back issues (1960–2023) preserved in the Dan Rattiner Collection within their climate-controlled Whitman Library. A total of $130,000 is needed. Currently, $73,000 has been raised. Every dollar helps. Contribute? Write a tax-deductible check to “Stony Brook Foundation” marked “for Dan’s Papers archive” and mail to Stony Brook Foundation, 230 Administration, Stony Brook University, Stony Brook, NY 11794-1188 or visit sbugiving.com/danspapers.