Hamptons Subway Workers Appear to Have Struck Oil

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Hopeful Presidential Republican Candidate Ron DeSantis took the subway from Southampton to East Hampton as he went from fundraiser to fundraiser here last weekend. His entourage followed in the three subway cars just behind his. But all inside the cars, we are told, were grim and quiet. Just a few bucks have been pledged. Brooke Shields was seen on the Westhampton Beach platform with Sarah Jessica Parker, Christy Turlington Burns and Jean Shafiroff, headed toward the Spielberg Drop water flume children’s ride at the new entrance at our Shinnecock Station with a whole lot of orphaned kids in tow.

Happy Birthday: Norma Biali, token clerk, is 43.

KINGDOM OF BASINOBA DECLARES WAR ON U.S.

As I am sure you know, the new Kingdom of Basinoba purchased the 1.2 billion stock of subway tokens from Hamptons Subway for $1.2 billion, to be used as the new currency for that African country. But one of the three ships carrying off one third of the tokens sank as it went through the straits at Sag Harbor. The declaration of war came after the tiny Basinoba Navy was denied permission to come into the straits so divers could try to recover the tokens sunk there.

CANADA THREATENS TO BREAK DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS WITH U.S.

In another international incident related to Hamptons Subway, the Canadian government, which owns eight subway cars that they sent from the Toronto subway line to the Hamptons Subway line on an emergency basis, have threatened action against the United States if the cars are not paid for.

SUBWAY TO FOXWOODS PROCEEDS

The planned subway line between Sag Harbor and Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut is proceeding at the rate of three miles a day. The tunnel has now passed directly under the North Fork and has begun its journey along the seabed under the open water of Long Island Sound.

GEORGE SANTOS ORGANIZES MEETING

Our celebrated new General Manager George Santos, who was hired by Commissioner Bill Aspinall to report directly to him, will be flying to Rio next Thursday to attend a meeting he has organized with Elon Musk, Albert Einstein and Steve Jobs. With all these brains adding to Santos’ remarkable knowledge about subway matters, we expect big things from Santos, whom we expect will be reporting back to us sometime in early January.

STYROFOAM FOOTBALL WEEK

Next week, just in time for Christmas, the Hamptons Subway will embark on its popular annual NFL Styrofoam Football Promotion. All riders entering the subway at every platform will be given a Styrofoam football whether they want it or not. It celebrates the upcoming dramatic conclusion of the football season. Thanks to the National Football League once again for this. If you don’t want a football, don’t take the subway that day.

EMPLOYEE CAFETERIA GOES GREEN

The entire interior of the employee cafeteria in the Hampton Bays headquarters has been painted a variety of shades of green, to remind people to be environmentally aware. But fear not: The regular menu of burgers and fries, hot dogs and fried chicken is still intact.

BLACK STICKY GOO MAY BE OIL?

Several workmen returning to their homes in Shirley on Long Island after a day’s work digging the subway tunnel, now under Long Island Sound on its way to Foxwoods in Connecticut, say that the black liquid seeping into the tunnel is oil. They held a press conference on Saturday with what they say was a jar of oil that they say they smuggled out from the dig.

“It’s seeping in from several places,” one of the men said. “The Hamptons Subway crew leaders have pumps going. But we think it is a dangerous situation.”

A spokesperson for Hamptons Subway, Arlene Pressman, said that the jar of gasoline held up at the press conference could have come from any gas station in the area. She scoffed at the idea that the tunnel being dug had hit oil.

“Whatever it is, it is a small amount,” she said. “We are pressing on. Our tunnel should reach Mystic within two weeks. Foxwoods is almost in sight,” she said, referring to the fact that the resort sticks up 12 stories above the forest. Everyone laughed at that.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I have nothing but contempt for the government of Sweden for what they’ve done to the Hamptons Subway line with their bogus double-decker subway cars. There was a total of 14 double-decker cars we ordered. They delivered the first four. And on their maiden voyage, these four cars tore up the underside of the ceiling of our subway tunnels throughout the entire western half of our system. Though the ceilings have been repaired and these ruined cars removed — which we have no intention of paying for — there is now an entirely other matter that needs to be attended to.

As part of the deal with Sweden, we shipped eight of our old single-legal subway cars to them to get a better price on the building of the 14 new double-decker ones. Now, because the four double-decker cars were ruined, we need the eight single-level cars back, which I am told are running today on the Gothenburg-Stockholm run. They refused. In a pinch, therefore, we got the Canadian government to sell us eight single-level cars from their Toronto Subway System. And they are currently in use.

We have told Sweden that we will not pay Canada until Sweden pays us for the 14 cars they confiscated. As we have gotten no response from this, we have also told them that we will not pay for the remaining 10 double-decker subway cars because, as they were built to the same specifications as the first four, they are too tall for our tunnels.

The threats we have received from the government of Sweden over this we have passed on to our congressmen and also to Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, who has told me that this government takes these actions from Sweden very seriously and is not ruling out military action against that country, although he hopes that diplomatic channels resolve this matter. He has also told Sweden that our full military alert status is in response to the declaration of war from Basinoba. It has nothing to do with them.