The Golden Bachelor Scammed America: Let's Change How We Look at Relationships

Part one of “The Golden Bachelor Scammed America” ran in the December 29, 2023 issue of Dan’s Papers. This is the second and final part, which details Beatty’s formula for assessing how healthy/sustainable a relationship is (skills not found in the premier season of The Golden Bachelor).

We spend more time researching cars, cell phones and computers than we do assessing our partners. Think back to how you often thought you knew everything there was to know about your partner. You were sure that you had found your perfect match. Then suddenly, without warning, you realize that you are headed for disaster. Your relationship is in shambles. Your mind is spinning. What went wrong? Chances are the signs were there all along. You just didn’t know what to look for. It’s not your fault, but the real question is: are you willing to learn?

THE SOLUTION

This 10-step fail-safe formula will change the way you look at relationships forever. It may even save your life!

1. Predicting the Future: Take a close look at your partner’s parents’ relationship to get a good idea of what you might expect. Family background is the first place to look for relationship programming. What we learned as children, we unconsciously play out as adults, unless we learn to acknowledge, address and take whatever steps are necessary to resolve our problems stemming from our past.

2. Skeletons in the Closet: Make sure that you request and receive a written, clean bill of health from your partner’s doctor before engaging in sex. People need to learn to recognize signs of alcoholism and other kinds of substance abuse, because neither the alcoholic nor drug abuser is a good candidate for any relationship. Learning how to identify verbal, emotional, financial, sexual and physical abuse is critical. Knowledge is power. Knowledge helps people exit quickly when they are aware that they are at risk.

3. More Skeletons Lurking: People need to learn to identify the signs and symptoms of depression, anxiety and other psychiatric disorders. While the clues are often there, these problems are often invisible to the untrained eye and ear, and they are major obstacles to a successful love connection. If you feel that something is wrong or something doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore your feelings.

4. Listening Carefully: Did you hear what I said? Everyone talks about the importance of communication. However, most people have simply not learned the necessary skills in order to be able to communicate effectively. How well (or how badly) you and your partner are able to express emotions like love, fear, disappointment, anger and pain will ultimately make or break your relationship.

5. The Art of Compromise: Problem-solving is probably the most crucial of the key ingredients. Why? Because this skill will help you deal with situations in all facets of your relationship. Even the most harmonious relationships have conflicts that need to be worked out fairly and openly. It is essential to discover your partner’s attitude and level of skill in dealing with conflict and compromises early on in your relationship. Unless you and your partner are committed to acknowledging, addressing and resolving issues, your partnership will be doomed.

6. Imitating Intimacy: People can have a great sexual connection while, at the same time, have little or no emotional intimacy. It is very important to learn the difference between lust and love.

7. Lovemaking: There’s agony and ecstasy. Human sexuality is highly sensitive and oftentimes confusing. Many people are struggling with their own sexuality, sexual identity and gender. Education, information, communication and chemistry are the key to a successful and exciting sex life. Don’t be afraid to have difficult conversations.

8. Old Baggage, Past Loves: Past experience does not necessarily make you or your significant other a skilled partner. We unwittingly and unconsciously often choose the same kind of partner repeatedly, though they may look and sound different. Unless you have done your homework on past relationships and truly understand what part you played and why your previous relationships were unsuccessful, you may find yourself replaying the past in the present.

9. Deal Makers, Deal Breakers: When it comes to making a deal with your partner, be honest with yourself. Be aware of silent, unconscious deals. What values can you accept? What can’t you accept? Find out how compatible you are intellectually and educationally. Do you share similar goals, lifestyles, religious beliefs, interests and views about money, children, politics and careers?

10. Being Realistic: If your partner is skilled in the most important areas — which include emotional communication, problem-solving, emotional intimacy and sexual chemistry — look at the compromises and trade-offs you are willing to make in other areas. Are they worth accepting in order to move forward? Remember that the perfect partner doesn’t exist. None of us is perfect. However, there are certain compromises and trade-offs that should never be made under any circumstances. These include verbal, physical, sexual and emotional abuse of any kind, poor or nonexistent emotional communication and problem-solving skills, lying and manipulation. And do you really want to live with someone who abuses alcohol and drugs even occasionally, or with someone who has a psychiatric disorder and who refuses to get help? Be honest with yourself!

SHOULD YOU STAY, OR SHOULD YOU GO

Some of the best advice on whether one stays or goes come from Shakespeare’s character Polonius, who counseled his son: “Above all, to thine own self be true.” You have thoroughly and honestly done your assessment. You are now in a position to decide if your partner is right or wrong for you. Not only must you be in touch with your own true feelings about your partner, but you must also be willing to take them seriously — both the positive and especially the negative. Make sure that your own neediness, loneliness, hang-ups or other blind spots are not getting in the way of looking at the reality of your relationship.

Now it’s time to ask yourself these three final questions: What do I want and need in a long-term relationship? What do I not want and need in a long-term relationship? And how would I describe the reality of my relationship?

If your partner has passed the test and you decide to move forward, you can rest assured that you have a much greater chance of having a wonderful and loving partnership because you weren’t afraid to do the necessary work. If, on the other hand, you choose to not go forward because the negatives outweigh the positives, you’re still a winner. You have learned the ABCs of successful relationships and are now in a position to find a more suitable partner the next time around. To love and empowerment!

Beatty Cohan, MSW, LCSW, AASECT is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly “Ask Beatty Show” on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in NYC and East Hampton.