Hamptons Subway Work to Foxwoods Hits Snags Under LI Sound

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Happy birthday to Fredrica Bott, our credit manager. She will be 44. Sorry about mentioning that, Fredrica.

Brooke Shields and Mariska Hargitay were seen at the East Hampton platform, headed west to attend the New Year’s party in the Hamptons Subway cafeteria in Hampton Bays on New Year’s Eve. Jimmy Fallon and Robert de Niro also attended. On the Southampton platform at 11 a.m. last Tuesday, Luann de Lesseps, Kristen Taekman, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, Sonja Morgan and Dorinda Medley were spotted waiting for westbound trains. Nicole Miller and Isaac Mizrahi were in deep discussion Friday evening on the Southampton E train local between East Hampton and Bridgehampton, according to our spotters. And Anderson Cooper was doing pie tastings for his friends on the Sag Harbor platform, with permission from the commissioner, of course.

PUSHERS TO BOX

As you may have heard, the 22 young local people hired as pushers on the subway platforms during the summer to get straphangers securely into the trains are planning a boxing showdown on Saturday, January 13. Their pusher days are at an end until next summer, of course, but apparently they have not taken off their headgear, chest pads and boxing gloves just yet.

Preliminary bouts have been taking place in a ring set up on the rooftop gym of our Hampton Bays headquarters during weekdays this past fall. Now the championship bouts will take place, with ESPN boxing announcers on hand to call the commentary. This is quite a feather in the cap of our commissioner, Bill Aspinall.

COME TO THE HAMPTONS SUBWAY FIRECRACKER 200

Another great Hamptons Subway event will take place on January 21. Get out the beer and pretzels, put on your old jeans and cowboy hats, and come enjoy the subway’s version of a NASCAR race at 3 a.m. on the subway platform of your choice where, for the price of a subway swipe, you can watch the first annual Hamptons Subway Firecracker 200.

This unique event, the first of its kind ever, will pit 12 experienced motormen, driving 12 subway trains at speeds up to 80 miles an hour, around and around our subway system for the honor of winning the golden wreath and silver cup, the first prize for this competition.

Temporary wooden stands will be available as bleachers on each of our platforms at 2 a.m. when the regular service is suspended for the night. Flags and pennants will be flying everywhere, and the trains, idling at every platform, will take off, with motormen at the wheel when the cannon is fired.

At that hour, the double track, which allows trains to pass going both ways, will now be only one-way, counterclockwise for this entire event. Watch the trains come roaring through the stations with their horns blaring. Watch one try to pass another on the inside or outside. Cheer on your favorites.

The event will conclude with an awards ceremony at 5:30 a.m. at the Southampton station, a half-hour before the subway trains begin their routes for the new day, leaving you plenty of time to walk home and sober up during the dawn light of early morning. See you there!

TROUBLE WORSENS UNDER THE SOUND

Inspectors monitoring the oil seepage in the halted subway tunnel project between Sag Harbor and Foxwoods Resort Casino say that the amount of seepage is becoming a flood. The tunnel is built 40 feet under the seabed of Long Island Sound. The oil is coming into the tunnel from the seabed from a spot nine miles offshore of Mattituck. Waterproof barriers will be constructed to try to contain it.

SUGGESTION BOX PROBLEMS

Just to the left of the turnstiles on every platform sit wooden suggestion boxes with slits on top that have been accepting suggestions from subway riders for years. People write suggestions using the pen and paper provided in the pocket on the side. And management picks up what’s inside every Monday morning. This has been an important communication point for customers to deliver suggestions to our board of directors, which reviews these comments at their weekly meeting later that day.

Over the past six weeks, however, nearly all the notes inside involve accusations of bad behavior involving Hunter Biden, the son of our current president. It is unclear whether facts would back up what these notes claim. Perhaps they do. Here are some samples.

“Hunter Biden is stashing secret microfilm tapes in these suggestion boxes, which are being picked up Sunday evening every week by his father. It can’t go on.”

“We’ve just learned that Hunter Biden personally voted 23,426 times in the 2020 election, and his father knew about it and looked the other way. It was done through these suggestion boxes. This is amazing news.”

“Hunter Biden leaves love notes in this box for his latest paramour every Friday evening at 11 p.m., and she picks them up at 3 the next afternoon, leaving what she writes to him in return. She’s Chang Lee, the granddaughter of Chinese Premier Li. And they’ve been secretly carrying on for years. Why is Hamptons Subway hiding the surveillance tapes that show this behavior?”

If Hunter Biden is doing these things, it could surely lead to his father’s downfall, but this is neither the time nor the place to be revealing these revelations. It is very distracting to our nine-man, six-woman board of directors to have to plow through these bad Biden son notes every Monday afternoon while able to read only the few subway-related suggestions in between. And it’s got to stop. Perhaps giving these notes the sunshine treatment here will do it.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I have postponed my return to the Hamptons from Foxwoods because my talks here with the authorities about the trouble with our subway tunnel to that place continue. Also, I have now won nearly $7,000 from my initial investment of just $2,340, and I want to see how high I can get it to go.

Whatever happens, I will be back by Friday, January 19 so that I can fire the starting cannon for the Hamptons Subway Firecracker 200 at 3 a.m. Sunday morning. I hope to see you there for this new project dreamed up by our new marketing manager, Todd Greenfield. Hang onto those subway straps.