Hamptons Subway Launches New Dog Car Starting February 1

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Billionaires Warren Buffett and Carl Icahn were whispering animatedly on the East Hampton platform about something last Tuesday. Perhaps it was the economy, or maybe it was about something in Dan’s Papers. Natalie Portman and Madonna were seen straphanging in the second car of a D train headed from Sag Harbor to East Hampton last Friday afternoon.

MANY HAPPY RETURNS

Happy Birthday to Edna Stickel of Hampton Bays. She has been our beloved cafeteria cashier since the day we opened — known far and wide for her blue walnuts and peaches Jell-O molds.

DELAY

There will be a delay on the F train between Southampton and Hampton Bays this Thursday as some of our crew scrub graffiti off the subway wall about 1.2 miles west of Southampton. They intend to do it between trains which will now pass at 30-minute intervals instead of 10. It’s really awful, so hide your eyes when you pass this spot to avoid looking at it.

THE DOG CAR

Dogs have never been permitted on the subway. However, due to many dog owner requests, we will, on the morning of February 1, inaugurate a single subway car at the back of every train, which will be exclusively for your dog. To use it, run back there with your dog on its leash, wait for the sliding doors to open, shove your dog aboard, then, after the doors close (they’ve been reset to close 20 seconds before the doors on all other cars), run forward to the next to last car — or any car after that — and hop on the train. Dogs will only be allowed in that last car.

Trains will sit quietly in every station for those extra 20 seconds on every trip, so you can get your dog on or off. In the case described, at your destination, get off, run back to the back car and when the doors slide open, whistle for your dog, grab your dog’s leash when he comes to you, and lead him off. That’s what the extra 20 seconds will be used for. And by the way, these 20 seconds give you ample time to fix things if your dog’s leash is tangled with another dog’s leash.

And then there is this courtesy for our VIP customers: Since they use the first-class subway car at the front of every train at considerably more expense than people such as yourself pay, the dog car is always at the back of every train, far enough away so the yapping and barking of the onboard dogs do not disturb those valued celebrities and billionaires at the front.

Incidentally, at the end of every day, the dog car is power-washed in our Montauk Yards. Also, if for some reason there are leftover dogs, they will be taken to the Animal Rescue Fund office in Wainscott. You’ll be able to find your dog there.

WALL IS HOLDING JUST FINE, EPA SAYS

Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) officials visited the underground wall at the northern end of the Sag Harbor station that blocks access to the new tunnel under construction intended to lead to a subway stop 22 miles away at the Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut. A few oil leaks were noted. The original wall of cinder block was reinforced after their visit with a 4-foot-thick reinforced concrete wall that includes a pressure gauge.

The tunnel construction was halted after workmen accidentally opened an underground gusher of oil, about 14 miles off the coast of Mattituck, which has so far filled the unfinished tunnel with 1.6 billion barrels of oil. The fear is that the wall gives way and the oil fills the entire subway system, but apparently, that is not going to happen.

HAMPTONS SUBWAY SANDWICH SHOP TO OPEN IN SAG HARBOR

Hamptons Subway is expanding into the fast food business. We are about to open in Sag Harbor what will be the first of a thousand-unit chain of sandwich shops around the nation. Franchises are available. The first one, on Main Street just a short walk from the subway stop, will be in place in two weeks. Lawsuits threatened by Sag Harbor residents opposed to our fast food restaurant are ridiculous. We are not that other Subway chain, we are homegrown, from right here in Hampton Bays. The franchisee is the commissioner himself.

ADVERTISE ON OUR TUNNEL WALLS

Hamptons Subway will begin placing advertising on the subway walls between the stations. Each ad will be a series of 100 posters, one right alongside another. As the train goes by, it will appear to the passengers inside as a 12-second-long animation. Our first ad, going up next week for the Remington Arms Company, will be on the south wall between the Bridgehampton and Water Mill stops. Eastbound passengers will have the best view of it. Keep your head down.

FAMOUS CHEF TO GIVE AWAY FOOD

Chef Rachael Ray will be giving away free samples of hors d’oeuvres to riders on the platform in East Hampton between 2 and 4 p.m. on Saturday.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Our disastrous attempt to build a 22-mile-long subway spur from Sag Harbor to Foxwoods has, as you know, resulted in the closing of the construction tunnel due to underground oil, released from our dig, gushing into the subway tunnel. Although we have now evacuated the construction and have walled off the tube, there has now been a chain reaction of events that have made things even worse.

The existence of the oil attracted the EPA and the Department of Energy, which have determined that this is the largest oil find on the planet (by DOE calculations) and that it may be too environmentally sensitive to use (by the EPA). Because of this, apparently, the releasing of the gusher into the tube has caused an equal and opposite lowering of oil reserves in Russia, Iran and Venezuela, which has resulted, for some weird reason, in the price of oil plummeting from $140 to $68 a barrel since the discovery.

This has resulted in an increase in automobile use and a concurrent decline in Hamptons Subway ridership. It may be necessary to lay some of our employees off and reduce the number of trains, causing greater waits on the platforms. I intend to hold off having to do this for as long as I can.