Earth in Trouble, New Headlines & AI Writing

Several weeks ago, because of global warming, scientists say, the United States got walloped with winter storms — four of them, one after another with only a few days respite between. They landed in California and Oregon, then headed across the Rockies to clobber the South, the Midwest and the East Coast.

There were tornadoes in Florida and Tennessee, floods in Pennsylvania, ice storms in Colorado, 30 below wind-chill temperatures in Kansas City, 5 feet of snow in Buffalo, hail in Virginia, huge waves in the Atlantic, landslides in Oregon, washouts in Texas, avalanches in Vermont, and 70 mph hurricane-force wind gusts that, combined with storm surge, scoured out many of the beaches in the Cascades, Shinnecock and Montauk.

An argument among folks in Montauk is that if the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation (DEC) had made sure the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers brought in the mountain of sand that was promised years ago, Montauk would not be a catastrophe today. Well, they’re fixing it now, so we’ll soon see.

The Earth is in trouble. And it’s getting worse. What are we doing about it? Nothing.

Well, that’s not true. We name these catastrophes. Before global warming, they didn’t have names. There was the Great Blizzard of 1888, the Johnstown flood of 1936, the Great Hurricane of ’38. But beginning around 1950 we started giving hurricanes names. And now we’re naming tornadoes and forest fires and floods. Isn’t this fun?

I think the four that just stormed across America were Horace, Jackie, Morris and Nikki. But I could be wrong. We’ve used so many names, new ones are often from foreign countries. Recep, Shinto, Kamil, Hajib.

What we are in actual fact is a planet spinning through the vacuum of space with pollution gases getting caught up in the atmosphere. And we know what it is. Carbon dioxide, created by burning fossil fuel. The sunlight gets through, but then can’t get out. Temperatures go up, ice caps melt, the weather goes nuts and the sea level rises. Industrial Revolution? Booo!

In December, the first of the offshore South Fork Wind farm turbines out in the Atlantic Ocean off Montauk came online. Responding to the wind, this first one creates renewable energy, enough to power 4,000 homes on the East End. Think Sag Harbor. By fall, 12 turbines will be up and running, creating enough energy to power 70,000 homes. As there are 50,000 dwelling units on the East End, all will be powered by this assemblage of turbines, with enough to power 20,000 more elsewhere.

So what are we doing? The energy comes ashore on underground wires that lead to big storage batteries in power stations that presumably will be constructed at various places in the Hamptons. But Wainscott residents threatened the politicians to pass laws preventing storage batteries in their community. They should go somewhere else. Wherever that is. Who do these pinwheel crazies think we are? Stupid?

Clearly, humans may be atop the food chain at the present time on this planet, but there’s a lot of evolving into better creatures that must take place before the right thing gets done to fix this mess.

In fact, religions teach that very thing. We are greedy and selfish. We plot and scheme. We break the Ten Commandments. Are urged to confess. And if we do, we’re forgiven.

That isn’t very helpful.

I think the time has come for us to ask those on other planets to come to our aid. When I was growing up, astronomers told us there was no life out there beyond Earth — not on Mars, Venus or any of the other planets, stars, moons or suns. But now the astronomers have found tens of thousands of planets in the universe that could have life on them: dumber life forms perhaps, or — here’s the thing — smarter life forms.

What would be so hard about signaling out into the universe for help? We’re on fire. Send a bucket brigade or whatever else will fix this. Don’t we even have the brains enough to do this? It can be done cheaply. By radio transmission. Or rocket ships.

Some of the smarter folks elsewhere would jump to help us. Here’s our cosmic vacuum cleaner. We’ll swing it by. It’ll suck all the carbon right out of the stratosphere in no time. No charge. Glad to help.

I think the turning point in knowing that other creatures exist out there came with the movie Star Wars back in 1977. Before Star Wars, creatures from elsewhere were ugly things that had fangs, 22 arms and a desire to enslave us.

In Star Wars, in a galaxy far, far away, there were not only creatures smarter than us — Yoda was one — there were also creatures who through an astonishing coincidence in evolution were exactly like us, right down to our two of everything — hands, feet, eyes nostrils, legs, ovaries, testicles and ears. Some of these folks spoke English — Princess Leia was one — others spoke languages that weren’t English but could be dubbed or printed out in subtitles. Still others had to wear breathing devices to survive. Or use lightsabers, stun guns and holograms to take care of things.

What the hell have we got to lose by reaching out for help? And I know the perfect person to do it. And so do you. Elon Musk.

HEADLINES

This column is directed to those in charge, those dumb, deaf and asleep folks plotting and scheming, and to hell with everybody else. Hey! Wake up!

There were some interesting headlines on my cellphone this morning:

“Blood sugar discovery leaves doctors speechless (try tonight).”

“Dermatologists stunned: This removes wrinkles like crazy! Try it.”

“Do this immediately if you have enlarged prostate (watch).”

“Skip the Miralax — doctor says this regulates guts the best.”

“Bras designed by a 60-year-old designer are popular in New York.”

“Endocrinologists stunned: Forget metformin. This ‘fixes’ your diabetes! Try it.”

“Cardiologist: Weight loss for older women comes down to this.”

“Take this one vitamin. Watch your dark spots fade away.”

“Podiatrist: Neuropathic pain can be banished by doing this.”

“Find out what’s happening outside your front door.”

“Leftover SUVs in East Hampton practically being given away.”

And here’s a headline I especially like:

“Chocolate beans found growing illegally in wetlands at a ranch in Ecuador.”

Hmmm. Bring it on, I say.

TRUTH

This column was sent off to AI for review. It came back with no changes and a note:

“It’s perfect. And we’d like to offer you a job.”

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