Ask Beatty: The Complexities of Dealing with an Extramarital Affair

During the past 35 years as a practicing psychotherapist and sex therapist, the number one reason that the majority of couples contact me for marital therapy is because an extramarital affair has been discovered. Affairs are usually symptoms of long-standing, unresolved problems in a relationship that couples, for a variety of reasons, have not been able or willing to acknowledge, address and resolve. Men typically cheat because of sexual dissatisfaction. For women, it’s sometimes the emotional connection that is missing in their relationships that makes them vulnerable to an affair.

EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR STATISTICS

About 20% of married men cheat on their spouses. Women’s infidelity rate has increased by 40% since 1990. About 30% of individuals started cheating on their spouse with someone from their work environment. Of marital divorces, 57% were caused by infidelity; 60% of unfaithful partners did not plan to divorce before an affair. Women ages 20–29 tend to cheat more than men, but men ages 30–39 years of age have a greater tendency to cheat.

The highest infidelity is in men 60–69 years of age. The highest infidelity rates for women happens at 50–59 years of age. About 44% of men cheat on their spouse for sexual satisfaction; 40% of women cheat due to emotional reasons. More and more people are cheating online, creating a new category of online affair and cybersex cheating.

DEAR BEATTY,

John and I have been married for almost 40 years. We have two married daughters and grandchildren. Last year I discovered that my husband was having an affair. We have several homes around the world, and the private investigator who I eventually hired discovered that my husband’s “mistress” was living in one of our beach houses in Mexico. Apparently, this affair has been going on for almost two years.

When I confronted him, he told me that he still loved me and had made a big mistake. He promised to end the relationship immediately and do everything possible to try and mend our marriage. He even agreed to marriage counseling. It’s been eight months and the woman is still living in our home. As for the marriage counseling, my husband canceled half of our appointments. You probably think I’m crazy, but I still love him. I’m 65 and, frankly, I’m afraid to be alone and “start over.” What do you think I should do?

Sylvie R., Southampton

DEAR SYLVIE,

I completely understand why you’re frightened to divorce your husband and start over. Forty years is a long time to have lived with someone and raised a family. And although starting over is never easy when a marriage ends, the reality is that it’s even more difficult when people are older. However, in spite of the fact that he says he loves you and made the commitment to you to do everything possible to try and mend the marriage, he continues to disrespect and betray you by not following through with his promises.

So Here Are the Real Questions: What, if anything, are you willing and able to do if he refuses to ask his mistress to leave your home and refuses to follow through with marriage counseling? If you are not able (because you’re too scared) to set some limits, the probability is that nothing will change.

Your husband sounds like someone who is used to doing exactly what he wants to with few, if any, consequences. He is not demonstrating any love or respect for you or your marriage. Has this been the dynamic in your marriage — namely, that he mostly calls the shots and you go along with things whether you want to or not? Do you feel that you often end up saying “yes” when you mean “no?” Do you often feel powerless in your marriage? What happens when you stand up to him? Are you familiar with your financial situation?

At this point, there is no motivation for him to make any changes at all because you are inadvertently continuing to enable his cruel and damaging behavior. I am not blaming you or judging you. You are not alone. It takes a lot of courage and self-esteem to be able to tell someone (especially someone who you still love and don’t want to lose), that enough is enough, and that you will no longer tolerate his emotionally abusive behavior.

So Sylvie, the ball is really in your court. Do you have friends or family who know about your situation and who would be willing to support you if and when you decided that you no longer could tolerate living like this? Have you considered getting some therapy for yourself? It would be extremely beneficial.

Do you typically enable and allow other people to hurt you and disrespect you, including your children? Could this dynamic have begun when you were a child? Did one or both of your parents hurt you or abuse you in some way? Many people who were abused as children unconsciously view being treated badly as normal because the imbalance in the power dynamic is familiar. So you have some thinking to do.

And as I tell people all the time, we don’t need to navigate life’s ups and downs on our own. In your situation, I really feel that the very best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to reach out and get some good professional help. Let me know if I can be helpful.

One thing is for sure: It’s time for Sylvie to learn to take better care of herself.

Beatty Cohan, MSW, LCSW, AASECT is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly “Ask Beatty Show” on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in NYC and East Hampton.

Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send your questions and comments to her at BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more info, go to beattycohan.com.