Ducks, Stingless Bees, Baseball Injuries & More Hamptons Stories

This morning, over coffee, I looked out our kitchen window to see about a hundred ducks paddling along in a great swirl in Three Mile Harbor. They glided toward the boat slips closer to our house, but then settled just beyond them. A moment later, two of the ducks paddled off from the group and headed west toward Gardiner’s Marina off to our right.

And I thought — these two probably saw something over that way. Fish? That’s what they’re all looking for, I think. And if they found something? Would they call all the others over? Or what? Maybe the lead duck, whoever that was in the group, would call them back if he thought nothing was coming of it.

Hey, Josiah, we’re turning east, not north.

And off they’d go, with Josiah and his buddy scrambling to catch up. I thought, well, do I think they have names? Maybe. Who speaks Quack?

And that got me thinking, well, what’s in a name? I’m Dan, my wife is Chris, my kids are David, Adam, Maya and Gabriel. That’s us.

Suddenly, it occurred to me that I am Not Dan. Dan is just what they call me. I actually have no name. I was brought into the world without one. And then those in charge decided what I should answer to if they called me. So it’s just something better than “Hey, you.”

I’ve often noted that I was not originally born with the name Dan. My birth certificate says Dennis. Can you imagine “Dennis’s Papers?” At birth, my parents thought that that should be my name. But two weeks later, they decided I was more of a “Daniel” than a “Dennis.” And so, a second birth certificate was issued announcing that I’m Daniel. So now I’m Daniel.

It also seems to me that, other than humans, only a few of Earth’s creatures get to respond to having a name spoken to them. Dogs.

The rest? Not sure. Dolphins? Whales? Gorillas? But probably not ducks. Quack.

So be it. So really, it’s not you. It’s just what they call you.

Next week’s lecture: Are there animals that experience love for one another?

Stingless Bees: On January 24, New York State Gov. Kathy Hochul announced she’s setting $3 billion aside to fight invasive species in New York. Invasive species, we are told, are creatures other than humans who live in certain places around the world but then emigrate to other places in the world they’ve never been before, such as New York. New York wants them sent back.

I believe one of the main suspects the state considers guilty of being invasive are those gorgeous snowy white swans that glide gracefully around in village ponds throughout the state. They emigrated from Belgium, it’s said. But that’s not true. They were kidnapped. In the late 1880s, they were rounded up by wealthy Europeans to grace the ponds of New York so the rich could enjoy watching them. It’s back to Belgium with them.

Here’s another news item. Stingless bees. They’ve lived in Peru for many, many years and they are not going anywhere, but in recent years they have gone into decline, due to deforestation, pesticides, climate change and competition from other species. Other species have attacked the stingless bees, and since these bees are stingless, of course, they are only able to put up a very limited defense. Pushing and shoving, I think.

The article I read about them, in The New York Times, said that the stingless bee farmers in Peru were fiddling with different configurations of the hives, or boxes as the farmers call them, and have found some success by moving the boxes away from areas containing pesticides.

What I think is that the stingless bees, anticipating an attack, should call up the bee militia. The militia would be regular bees, the ones with stingers. They’d be called up and they’d swarm in from their military encampments and sting those intruders off, back to, for example, New York.

Baseball Injuries: Also in the news a few weeks ago is the humiliation of the former General Manager Billy Eppler of the woeful New York Mets baseball team. He was suspended on Feb. 9 by baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred, who concluded that Eppler directed team staff to fabricate injuries to create open roster spots, according to the Associated Press.

I have often written that I think the lousy record of the Mets is caused by a very high number of players getting injured and having to go on the disabled list. It just seemed so much more than with other teams.

The blame for this, I said, could be because Citi Field, where they play, is surrounded by the finest medical facilities in the world. Long Island Jewish. Mount Sinai. North Shore. NYU Langone. Amazing doctors work in these medical facilities. And when the Mets come limping into their clinics, the doctors say, “Lie down so I can look you over,” and the result is that “the ankle is OK but we found a very rare problem with your spleen.” So you need to be on the disabled list for the rest of the year. Meanwhile, with other teams, for example the Baltimore Orioles, the players walk in limping and the doctors say, “Walk it off and you’ll be fine,” and the players are out on the field the very next day. That was my theory, anyway.

Well, guess what? Turns out that for the last three years, Eppler has been fabricating injuries, thus freeing a space on the roster for other players who might play better. The number of players on a roster cannot exceed 26. So this would give the Mets a leg up. For doing this, Eppler has been banned from baseball through the 2024 World Series. The coaches, apparently, were not involved. So I was right. Sort of.

The Texting Judge: Also in the news is a story from Oklahoma about a Lincoln County district court judge named Traci Soderstrom, who was forced to resign because while presiding over a murder trial in the killing of a 2-year-old boy, she was found by the surveillance cameras in her courtroom to have been texting while judging. She sits there and sends emojis to praise the appearance of a defendant’s lawyer, or laughs at the bailiff’s comment about a prosecutor’s genitals. It’s more than 500 texts.

“I promised to uphold the Constitution,” she told the press after resigning. “I believe I have done so. However, being human, I have also faltered.”

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HELP PRESERVE DAN’S PAPERS

Stony Brook University intends to digitize the complete set of Dan’s Papers back issues (1960–2024). A total of $130,000 is needed. Feb. 27 is SBU’s Giving Day, and every dollar helps. Write a tax-deductible check to “Stony Brook Foundation” marked “for Dan’s Papers archive” and mail to Stony Brook Foundation, 230 Administration, Stony Brook University, Stony Brook, NY 11794-1188.