Hamptons Subway Hits 100,000 Passengers

DOWN IN THE TUBE

At 2 p.m. on Super Bowl Sunday, Madonna was seen on the eastbound Southampton platform loaded down with shopping bags. It appears she had plans to watch the game from her horse farm in Bridgehampton with friends. But since our spotters were not invited, we’re not completely sure that happened.

WATCH THE DOUBLE-DECKERS GO OFF TO SWEDEN

The 13 double-decker Hamptons Subway cars that got damaged on their inaugural run last October, because they were too tall to fit safely through our underground tunnels, are finally on their way back to Sweden where they were made.

Numerous lawsuits had been filed, involving damage to the underside of the ceilings and its lighting fixtures and to the roofs of the cars, but it’s all been settled, and if you want to see 13 damaged Swedish subway cars that were used only once on their way back to Europe, drive down to the beach anywhere in the Hamptons and watch them pass just offshore on Wednesday. They will be strapped atop a Japanese freighter and, calculating their speed out of Manhattan’s Pier 17, they should be going by the Hamptons at around 8 a.m. that day.

DELAY WEDNESDAY

There was a one-hour delay last Wednesday afternoon as our entire staff worked to replace all the temporary lightbulbs put up after last October’s Swedish disaster (see above) to ones that are dimmer friendly. With the new dimming bulbs, we are proud to announce that we are doing our part to save the planet (see below).

HAMPTONS SUBWAY GOES 21ST CENTURY

The new dimmable bulbs just installed system-wide on all subway platforms and tunnels will cut our monthly electric bills by half and be totally environment friendly. Instead of having the platform lights on all the time, they will turn off whenever there is no train in the station. As a train approaches a station from either direction, its wheels pass over a switch 200 yards down the track which activates the lighting system. From total darkness, the platforms slowly come to life as the train approaches, staying brightly lit while the train is in the station, and then going slowly dark after the train leaves.

The switch is completely automated, so once it’s turned on every morning when the trains begin their daily service at 6 a.m., the lights, if they’ve been lit overnight, go dark, but then get lighter and lighter until they are at their full strength at the platforms. They stay up at full strength for 55 seconds, and then dim down again afterward. Please be sure to board quickly when the train is in the station. The train always leaves after 55 seconds. We don’t want people injured trying to get on or off in the dark.

ONE HUNDRED THOUSANDTH PASSENGER

By totaling our revenue and dividing the total by the cost of a token or a swipe card, we have determined that sometime between Tuesday and Thursday next week, our one hundred thousandth passenger will pass through our turnstiles.

We will surprise this passenger when the time comes, and bring him or her to the Hampton Bays headquarters where, no matter what time of day or night it is, we will have a ceremony. We will award that person a big Founders Cup with the name of Ivan Kratz, the long-dead builder of the subway, engraved on it in Kratz’s very own handwriting. We will alert all passengers of this event over our loudspeakers, but there may not be enough notice for everyone to get down to Hampton Bays, and so we will report on the event in the next issue of Dan’s Papers.

DELAY LAST SATURDAY

The half-hour systemwide delay last Saturday at 10 p.m. was caused by a love spat on the Southampton platform beginning at 10. A young engaged couple who shall remain nameless got into an argument there which resulted in the bride-to-be hurling her engagement ring out onto the tracks and storming out of the subway station. Forty five minutes later, she returned in tears with her mother and with the information that she had changed her mind, would marry him, and wanted her ring back.

The staff on the platform obliged her by shutting down service until workmen could find the ring for her.

SLOWDOWN

Due to the cold weather, the trains will be running between stations at 26 miles an hour instead of the usual 34. The reason is ice. You may wonder how tracks underground could ice over. We brush oil onto the tracks at the end of every day to keep the wheels from squealing, and somebody had laced the oil with water to save money. Thus, the water froze, nearly causing an accident when the D train slid into the Amagansett station. The individual who caused this will remain nameless, but we will say that Henry Crackalow of Quogue is on extended leave.

BASINOBA CURRENCY VALUE SOARS

Last year, the newly formed African Kingdom of Basinoba purchased 1.2 billion Hamptons Subway tokens from us so Basinoba could make the token its official currency. The Basinoway (pronounced bas-in-oh-WAY), as it is called, has been about two to the dollar, but in recent months, considering the huge vein of underground raw diamonds found in Basinoba this past year, the value of the Basinoway has soared. Currently, you’ll get nearly 11 dollars for one Basinoway. If you have Basinoways stashed away in a jar or in a drawer somewhere, you could be rich but not even know it — in Basinoba, of course, if you can get there.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

People are still complaining to me about the fact that I took our private jet down to Washington, D.C. to look for a government bailout for the Hamptons Subway. Rest assured that I use the plane only a few times a year, no more than 30, and that whenever I do use it, rather than have my chauffeur take me to the airport, I go by subway to our Westhampton North stop, and then walk the few hundred yards to the plane on the airport runway there. It’s good exercise to walk to the plane. Good for me and good for the environment. I recommend it.