New Hamptons Subway Dog Car Is a Hit, Cat Car Coming

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

New York State Gov. Kathy Hochul was seen reading a book while taking the B Train from Westhampton Beach to Quogue on Wednesday. Oprah Winfrey bought a copy of The New York Times at the newsstand on the Amagansett platform on Saturday. Also on Saturday, Daniel and Stephen Baldwin, Mercedes Ruehl and Quogue billionaire John Catsimatidis were seen riding the subway.

A GIFT TO OUR RIDERS

The number of people riding the Hamptons Subway this past week was 5% lower than the same period a year ago. As a result, we hired the Barton Business Analysis Company (BBAC) of Patchogue to make a study of this, and they have come up with several different reasons for the decline. One is that there is a normal drop-off in the ridership in the winter. Another is that most of the promotions done by the subway system have been disappointments for one reason or another. And so, to stimulate business, we’ve decided to give away something free to our riders this coming week. During the next seven days — until next Friday — every rider on the subway will be given an 11-pound clear Plexiglas paperweight that has the inscription “Esteemed Hamptons Subway Rider” on it. They will be given out by interns to everyone who passes through the turnstiles.

DOGGONE SUCCESS

On February 1, a special car at the back of the train was added to accommodate dogs. Dog owners let their dogs loose to board the train in this car when it arrives at their station, then remove them when the train arrives at their destination. The project has been so successful that cat owners are now demanding the same for their pets. And so, beginning February 15, there will be a further addition to every subway train. Behind the dog car will be a cat car, into which owners can throw their cats the same way dog owners throw their dogs. Furthermore, instead of the 20-second delay for dog owners to do their thing, there will now be a further delay of 10 seconds for the cat owners. Meow.

PLAN TO GET RID OF THE OIL

A New York entrepreneur named Bill Haleknecht has approached our esteemed commissioner with a plan to get rid of the half-billion barrels of oil that have flooded the underwater subway tunnel under construction that was supposed to link our Sag Harbor station with a new one built at Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut. He envisions using a sort of sump pump affair to suck the oil out of the tunnel and into barrels he will store on property he owns in North Haven on the bay. Freighters will take the barrels away. He says that with a pump, he could suck out a few million barrels a day, which could be enough to lower the level of the oil in the tunnel to a point where construction to Foxwoods could begin again. There would be no charge to the Hamptons Subway, and the newfound oil could be sold to fossil fuel car owners. It is an intriguing thought and the commissioner says he wants to think about it.

SUITCASE STILL LOST

The suitcase filled with a quarter-million dollars in thousand-dollar bills that a man said two weeks ago was accidentally left on a seat on the Southampton to Water Mill run is still missing. Anyone finding it please call Marlon Tungsten at Goldman Sachs in New York City. There will be no questions asked.

SAFETY TIPS FOR RIDERS

As a result of the oil disaster that is now filling the aforementioned Hamptons Subway tunnel construction in Long Island Sound, the Suffolk County Board of Health has required us to issue the following safety bulletin to riders should they see oil on the tracks.

If you see oil on the tracks out the window, tell a conductor or pull the emergency cord to get the train to stop. After it does, close and secure all windows in your subway car. Above the light fixture in the center of all subway cars there is a roof hatch which you can open by twisting a lever clockwise. Open it and climb out onto the roof of the subway car. Grasp the hands of the person in front of you and behind you and creep slowly in either direction, keeping your head down so as not to touch the high-voltage wires on the underside of the tunnel ceiling, until you come to a steel ladder. Steel ladders are high up on the walls on each side of the tunnel at quarter-mile intervals. Climb up the ladder and at the top unlatch the hook on the underside of the ceiling just above you. Push open the iron trapdoor, get out and you will find yourself on somebody’s lawn. From there, seek further help.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

In a matter very troubling to me, an audit by the state income tax authority this week has uncovered some financial hanky-panky going on in the Hamptons Subway accounts books, which reveals huge financial losses for Hamptons Subway in the 2023 year. As a result, we must take some unpopular measures. This week, we are laying off 842 people, just over half of our staff. We are appealing to riders to volunteer for these posts so we don’t have to lay off any more people. We are particularly interested in finding people who have the skills to drive subway trains. Our motormen were the most highly paid of our employees and so they are the first to go.

You should know that I am personally going to lead the way in these layoffs. I am going to sign each and every one of the 842 pink slips myself, and not only sign them but write a warm personal note and, if possible, shed a tear. All these people, we know, will surely be missed by the few rest of us who remain.

As for my seven-figure salary, if it weren’t for the fact that the subway system cannot possibly get along without me, I would be laying myself off too, you may be sure. As it is, I have asked myself and have agreed to take a 3% across-the-board cut. We all have to do our part.