Biden Delays Hamptons Subway Visit a Week

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

President Joe Biden did not visit the Hamptons Subway system last week. At the last minute, his staff called to say that he had a bigger problem in Washington, D.C., than he thought, and the visit would have to wait another week. Actress Natalie Portman was on the Water Mill platform last Tuesday morning, but wouldn’t say where she was headed. It was 11:40 a.m., and she got on a train.

DELAY

There was a 30-minute delay on the Southampton platform as eastbound subway-goers stopped to watch the arrest of a four-piece jug band that was playing by the turnstiles without a permit. Had they had a permit, they would have been legal. But they didn’t.

ONE HUNDRED THOUSANDTH PASSENGER!

Tommy Grits, 16, of Amagansett was mobbed by officials of the Hamptons Subway system at 4 p.m. last Tuesday as he stepped off the train onto the Amagansett platform to be told he was the one hundred thousandth subway rider. The officials took him to our Hampton Bays headquarters to be honored.

“This is a great honor for you,” Commissioner Bill Aspinall told Grits as he presented the teenager with the big silver Founders Cup with the name of Ivan Kratz, the long-dead builder of the subway, engraved on it in Kratz’s very own handwriting. The band played. A small crowd of onlookers — it had happened so fast that few knew of the ceremony — clapped and cheered.

Grits said just a few words. He thanked everybody. Then he said he had to get home, because he had been sent out by his mother to Kmart in Bridgehampton to get diapers for his baby sister and his mother would probably wonder what happened to him. He held up the diapers.

People cheered the diapers.

$200 MILLION BAILOUT OF SUBWAY RETURNED

Commissioner Bill Aspinall’s trip to Washington, D.C., was not in vain after all. Last month, at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport, the commissioner left the suitcase filled with the $200 million bailout money on a bench at the gate, only remembering it after the plane had taken off. It was returned yesterday, with all the money intact, by Arletta Howe, an honest woman who is a member of the Daughters of the American Revolution, who found the suitcase.

“I really wondered who had lost this,” she said. “There was no note. Just the money inside. I kept it in the garage. I knew somebody would claim it. Then I heard it was lost by this Mr. Aspinall.”

The board of directors, after a full day of debate, voted to give Ms. Howe a $50 reward for her honesty. The vote was 3 to 2.

NOW NO TO CATS & DOGS

For the last month, two special subway cars have been added to the back of every subway train to allow certain pets — dogs in one car and cats in the other — to ride on the Hamptons Subway.

It worked out fine for the first two weeks. Riders with these pets would come down to every platform (dogs on leashes, cats in little carriers) and when the train pulled in, run with them down to those last two cars and hurl the pet in. Humans were not allowed in either car. But after getting in a subway car further toward the front and then, when their ride was over, rushing to the back to recover their pet, these pet owners said it was a much-appreciated experience. And indeed, the various pets seemed to agree.

Hamptons Subway, which until then did not allow any pets on the trains, was happy to set up this program after receiving a petition from nearly 400 pet owners. However, after three good weeks with the meowing, purring, growling and barking being enjoyed by all riders in the cars further toward the front, all hell broke loose.

It was a St. Bernard, it’s believed, who figured out how to claw a hole from the dog car to the cat car. The dogs behind this big fellow eagerly rushed through to enjoy what they hoped would be a happy experience. But that’s not what happened.

In the tunnel between Southampton and Water Mill, our train number 7 came to a halt after someone or something pulled the emergency cord. In the two cars, it was every man for himself, so to speak. And after ambulances, the fire department, the subway police and even some dog and cat catchers arrived, a great many animals were rounded up and taken away to the Animal Injury Hospital in Port Jefferson for observation and/or medical assistance. Nobody died, not any owner, pet, rescuer, observer or traveler, but the chief engineer of train 7 suffered an anxiety attack and is today in fair to good condition at Stony Brook Hospital.

Of course, after all of this was going on, all the trains in the system behind train 7 also came to a halt. The halt, and subsequent rescue of the passengers, after two hours, lasted the whole rest of the day.

Needless to say, things are being sorted out and though various dogs and cats continue to be found in various parts of the subway system, Commissioner Aspinall reluctantly called the whole thing off.

“We tried,” he said. “We really did.”

He asked that if anyone finds either a spare or lonely dog or cat in the upcoming months, please call Hamptons Security — dial 511. The number has just been set up, and further instructions will be offered.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

We are most relieved to have back the money that the government had given to us for our subway in our time of need. It will be put to good use. As you probably know, our project to build a spur from Sag Harbor to Foxwoods Resort Casino has stalled under Long Island Sound, not on account of finances, but because of a natural disaster — the unstoppable and unexpected gusher of oil from below the seabed floor into the tunnel.

We will clean up this mess with this money. And then hopefully, with a further cash injection, we will start up this tunnel construction once again and complete the project, even if it means taking a wide detour around the oil strike, which could take it on a great arc as far east as Port Washington before continuing on to Foxwoods. We will not be deterred.