$250K Lost on a Hamptons Subway Train

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Writers Tina Fey and Roger Rosenblatt were seen laughing together about a joke on the Quogue platform on Friday. On Wednesday afternoon, Jon Stewart and David Letterman, who is in retirement and sporting a long white beard, were seen talking together on the Water Mill platform awaiting a westbound train. Donald Trump, taking time off from his trial in New York, was seen on Tuesday morning getting into a subway car on an eastbound train at Westhampton Beach, but not until all the people in that car, who were apparently not to his liking, were removed and reseated in the car directly behind the one he was entering.

DELAY

There was a subway delay caused by train Number 7 last Thursday just to the north of the Sag Harbor station when an endangered piping plover bird was seen on the tracks in front of the train by an alert motorman as he pulled into the tunnel heading for Noyac. He brought the train to a halt. The bird appeared oil covered and forlorn and environmentalists from Riverhead were called in to gently catch it in a net and somehow get it cleaned up. No one knows how that bird got there. But the word went out and announcements were made on trains systemwide, since everything behind also backed up after Number 7 stopped. The environmentalists spent a half-hour talking gently with the shivering bird, after which it was netted, washed down with a hose and released. Shortly after that, the train started again, everything behind started up and things went back on schedule. Most of the passengers in the delay later said that when they heard what had happened over the subway car loudspeaker they felt proud to be part of a bird rescue operation.

LOST

A suitcase filled with a quarter million dollars in cash, mostly in thousand-dollar bills, was left on a seat on the Southampton to Water Mill run. If anyone finds it, please call Marlon Tungsten at Goldman Sachs in New York City.

ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN MAKES DEBUT

The revolutionary new advertising campaign created for the Hamptons Subway made its debut last week. The campaign consists of a series of 100 posters mounted side by side on the north subway tunnel wall between Southampton and Water Mill which, when driven past by a subway train at 32 miles an hour, appears to straphangers to be a 12-second animation of a beautiful woman dressed as a hunter, raising her arm and firing a Kensington rifle. The Kensington Corporation is our first client.

And now we have a second client. It is a nonprofit organization called “Protect Our Environment,” and they have paid to have 100 posters on the south wall exactly opposite the Kensington posters, which, when driven past, show a woman who wears jeans and a headband holding a sign reading “No” and leaping in front of a moose grazing on tree bark to save it by taking the Kensington rifle shot in the chest.

Only up for three days, these advertisements have already become the talk of the subway. It has been pointed out that the advertisement works best when taking the westbound subway. Going eastbound, the two advertisements appear to show a huntress holstering her rifle after a bullet comes back into the breach, and a woman across from her leaping up with a sign saying “No” and running off to reveal a moose eating tree bark.

BOXING RESULTS

In three exciting matches in our Hampton Bays subway headquarters cafeteria, three of our employees were crowned as champions in our lightweight, middleweight and heavyweight categories.

The tournament was arranged by the 36 temporary employees who were hired for the summer as pushers, forcefully shoving straphangers rapidly onto the subway cars to keep the trains running on time. Now laid off, they wanted to find out who was the best. We obliged them by setting up a boxing ring and several rows of chairs for the spectators in the cafeteria.

In the lightweight category, Jody Harris knocked out Frank McCracken to win the weight class in the first round. The middleweight championship was won by Biff Hoosegow, who knocked out Dwayne Powder in the first round, and the heavyweight championship, which went the entire three bloody rounds, was won by Harry Bernard, who was awarded a majority decision over Beatrice Loon. The awards ceremony has been postponed until such time as the participants get out of the hospital.

LAWSUITS INTERRUPT SANDWICH SHOP OPENING

The balloons and banners were out. The sandwiches were in the display cases and the mayor was present with his silver shovel. However, at the appropriate time there on Main Street, Sag Harbor, a process server arrived with an envelope to give to our esteemed Commissioner Bill Aspinall, who was about to cut the ribbon to open our first Hamptons Subway Sandwich Shop. The letter was an order of injunction signed by a judge preventing the opening of the shop. It had been requested jointly by the Subway Sandwich chain and by Sag Harbor Residents Violently Against the Hamptons Subway Sandwich Shop (SHRVAHSSS). And so the opening never took place. The mayor said he knew nothing about it. All the food was given away free. Back to the drawing board, said the commissioner.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

This just in: After three days without any problem, the new tunnel wall advertising program between the Southampton and Water Mill stops, which shows a series of panels that appear as a short animated film of a beautiful woman firing a Kensington rifle as the train moves by, was attacked by vandals. The attack, which must have happened last night, appears at the end of that display.

After the gun is fired, the display continues on to show a smiling man who bends over with his backside facing the train windows, then lowers his trousers halfway to show what some young people tell me is called a “moon.” At the end he pulls his trousers back up. It is disgraceful, and our security guards are at this very moment examining riders to see whose backside that was. We shall prosecute to the fullest extent of the law for this scandalous behavior. All trains are delayed at this time as the image is being scrubbed off.