Will You Be the Voice of the Hamptons Subway System?

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Madonna was seen riding the subway from Westhampton Beach to Bridgehampton last Thursday afternoon. She was one of just five passengers in her car and she was listening to music on her phone and between Water Mill and Bridgehampton performed a short pole-dancing routine, according to one observer.

Two-time Pulitzer-Prize-winning author Colson Whitehead was seen on the westbound Sag Harbor platform waiting for a train. While waiting, he was rereading one of the first books he’d ever written, “Sag Harbor,” about his growing up during summers in Sag Harbor.

ONLINE SUGGESTION BOX STOLEN

The Hamptons Subway internet suggestion box, where riders can anonymously leave suggestions by email without fear of reprisal, has now also been stolen. With the theft of the original wooden suggestion box from the wall on the platform at Hampton Bays two weeks ago, there is now no way for customers to make suggestions to Hamptons Subway management from Hampton Bays.

WHO WILL BE THE VOICE?

The competition to become the new voice of the Hamptons Subway has now begun. Entrants are welcome to come to subway headquarters in Hampton Bays, fill out a form and sit at our microphone on the second floor there to say, “Watch out for the closing doors.” And, “Please be careful stepping out to the platform.” Entrants are welcome to practice beforehand while listening to a recording of the announcement made by Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex. Watch at youtu.be/5ihn_kxALX0.

THE GARDEN

The tropical plant garden, tended by the Quogue Garden Society at the back of the Quogue platform and opened to the public last week, has been a big hit. Visitors are welcome to stroll through it before boarding their trains. But stay six feet back from the Venus flytrap. Last Tuesday a poodle being walked by Ms. Edna Whirler startled the plant which then leaped out and ate it. We don’t want to have that happen again.

EXCITEMENT IN SOUTHAMPTON

A gangland-style heist at a bank on Main Street Southampton was thwarted by Gladys Henderson, our alert token booth clerk, last Friday afternoon.

Apparently, a getaway car with two robbers inside pulled up in front of the new Boston Citibank at 2 p.m., and one wearing a mask got out, ran into the bank, pointed an index finger and demanded, “Your money or your life” of teller Iris Thimblefellow. She swiftly handed $156,000 in $20 bills to the thug, who stuffed them into a black suitcase, then ran out of the bank, up the street and down the subway stairs to the Southampton platform and the token booth there.

The driver of the getaway car then drove 100 feet and reparked in front of the Sant Ambroeus Restaurant. He was apparently meant to be a decoy while the main robber made his getaway, because when police came to question him, he was found sitting on a bench outside eating a cup of chocolate gelato and said he knew nothing about anything. A search of the car revealed nothing. The police had to let him go.

Meanwhile, the masked robber with the luggage case shoved a $20 bill under the glass of the token booth and said, “One to Southampton and keep the change.” Henderson was startled by this since he was already on the Southampton platform, but she obliged, and he ran off and hopped the next train.

She then called the police, told them what had happened and that it was odd he’d said Southampton, and so the police following the trail of twenties on the sidewalk arrived en masse, went down the escalator and waited 40 minutes until the train made its full loop of the system, then arrested the robber as he got off back in Southampton. Caught red-handed with the loot was 32-year-old Charles Lemon Bancroft, blond-haired, blue-eyed, about six foot one, and very surprised. He was unarmed.

STRAPHANGERS OBJECT TO DINING CAR

A petition signed by 21,014 straphangers has been presented to the subway’s main office in Hampton Bays. It says that the just-opened Le Somielle dining car is an affront to working people since all it really is, is a French restaurant with slow service that results in their not being able to get anything to eat before they arrive at where they are going. Also, the prices are so high that only those very rich people actually not going anywhere except around and around can afford it. The smell of this excellent French food in the other cars, particularly to those who have not yet had their morning coffee, drives everybody crazy.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I am vacationing here in Acapulco at a hermetically sealed oceanfront resort. I have just learned of the quick work made of the robber who took the subway to Southampton. I propose that Gladys Henderson be employee of the month if we have not already selected one. I have also been told about the petition.

I have immediately contacted our board, and by a vote of 4 to 3, have gotten approval of a new rule that would prohibit bringing any firearms on board any of our subways. This includes pointed index fingers. This is a ban systemwide. Severe fines will accrue to those who try this.

As for the dining car, we have a one-year lease with Le Somielle, so there is nothing I can do. We have a rule against subway riders bringing food or drink on the subway, of course, and we did consider amending it to allow such items during the duration of the lease, but that proposal was rejected 4 to 3. The food and drink ban stands. And now guns and index fingers.