Hamptons Subway Launches Dining Car, Music Legends Perform

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Three of the greatest singers of our generation, all Hamptons residents, came aboard the first-class VIP subway car at the front of the train leaving Amagansett last Monday evening at 11 p.m. to sing and perform. They were Sir Paul McCartney, Billy Joel and Paul Simon, and their performance was, as a trio, overwhelmingly well received. It was a tribute concert to the late Jimmy Buffett of North Haven.

VOICE OF THE HAMPTONS SUBWAY

Last year, the Hamptons Subway held a competition to select an official Voice of the Hamptons Subway. The winner, a woman who will remain nameless although at the time was celebrated by everybody, made breathless recordings saying, “Watch out for the closing doors,” and, “Next stop, Sag Harbor,” and so forth and so on.

The reason she remains nameless today is because she is now suing us for an extremely large sum for royalties she claims we should have paid her for the times her recorded voice was played at each of the 22 stops, every day, every time. However, this was not our agreement, so we are opposing her claim vigorously.

And so, a new Voice of the Hamptons Subway must now be chosen, and next week we intend to begin the exciting new competition leading to the selection of that person. In the meantime, since our lawyers tell us we should no longer use the litigant’s old voice in the interval, we have asked a friend of the commissioner, Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex formerly known as her royal highness, to speak the necessary subway warning words. And she did that.

And so, in this interim period lasting perhaps three weeks, the recorded voice on the subway giving instructions is that of Markle, and we hope you enjoy it and give heed to what she says. You may also consider what she says as a template for the upcoming competition. Speak these words yourself as practice. In any case, Markle has asked, in lieu of any payment to her — she didn’t request any — that we give her husband Prince Harry, the Duke of Sussex, a shoutout about his new podcast. So here it is:

Prince Harry, formerly known as his royal highness, is launching an official podcast on X, formerly known as Twitter, which will focus on the music of the artist formerly known as Prince, a favorite of his. For all those Prince fans out there, enjoy!

SUGGESTION BOX DEMAND

The wooden suggestion box that for six years stood by the Hampton Bays turnstiles without incident has still not been returned. However, this past week, our office in Hampton Bays received a note in an envelope that also contained a small wooden piece of the suggestion box. It read, “Each week that we do not receive the $1,000 we have demanded, we will send you another piece.”

Nobody at our offices knows about any request for $1,000. And there was no indication where such funds could be left or sent if the commissioner decided to acquiesce to this unreasonable demand. Workers measuring the piece of the box sent, comparing it to pictures of it, have calculated that if future pieces match this piece, the full consumption of the box will occur sometime in November.

LE SOMMEIL, THE DINING CAR

The great French restaurant Le Sommeil has opened a branch on the Hamptons Subway. This is a big coup for us, as this restaurant has the most stars possible in the French Michelin Guide. Was it five, or maybe six? Anyway, it is the dining car on each and every subway train in our system beginning today, located in the middle so people can access it from either the front of the train or the back. The restaurant is being run as a franchise.

Featured on the menu are frog legs, fresh boar’s tongue, truffles, pheasant under glass, squid, venison and some gooey thing found at the bottom of the Mediterranean that as yet does not have a name. It is just like being in France. We hope you enjoy it.

The dining car opened three days ago as what they call a “soft opening” to get the kinks out. Its official opening will be this Saturday night when special diners, such as Kim Cattrall, Sarah Jessica Parker, Matthew Broderick, Drew Barrymore, former mayor of New York City Michael Bloomberg and Madonna will be on board for a private party to enjoy all the yummies. Owner François-du-Lac Vegetebalasoupcon will be on hand to greet everyone. He’s French.

LETTER TO THE COMMISSIONER

I want to express my disappointment in what you call a dining car on the Hamptons Subway. I went to it three days ago when it opened for the first time. It was packed with people, but by waving a $50 bill I got a seat. The service is wonderful, and I suppose the food is wonderful, too. The trouble is, it is slow. I got on at Amagansett, and by the time I reached my destination in Shinnecock 28 minutes later — everyone is so proud of the promptness of the trains, and I appreciate that — I had just placed my order and had to get off. Question: How do I get my $50 back?

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

As this anonymous letter just came in, I would like to answer it at this time. How about this for service? Here is my answer.

For crying out loud, Le Sommeil is one of the world’s great restaurants and is surely worth the wait. It is no secret that the Hamptons Subway system is in the shape of an 80-mile-in-circumference flattened doughnut and that, therefore, it is possible to get on it anywhere and just go round and round. Service at a restaurant such as this might take three hours, and it is true that this might mean two or even two-and-a-half round trips.

Get on the subway at Amagansett, then go around twice, and three hours later get off at Shinnecock. That’s what you do. For you to suggest that an entire five-course, seven-star French dinner be consumed in just a 28-minute period between Amagansett and Shinnecock misses the point, for crying out loud.

As for your $50 bucks, buddy, consider it a lesson learned.