Ask Beatty: My Adult Child Wants Nothing to Do with Me, Just My Money

Most good parents want nothing more than to see their children grow up to be healthy and happy adults in all facets of their lives. We want to see them thrive and blossom. We are committed to loving them throughout their lives, during good times and bad. But what happens when our adult children are struggling emotionally and psychiatrically and want nothing to do with us other than to receive our financial support?

I recently received two separate emails from very distraught parents who are at their wits’ end as they witness their children spiraling downward. They feel powerless to help. It’s one of the most profoundly frustrating and depressing feelings a parent can have.

DEAR BEATTY,

My ex-husband and I have a 40-year-old married daughter and 6-year-old granddaughter. We divorced when she was 3 years old. We both remarried and continued to parent cooperatively throughout her childhood. People would marvel at how well the four of us got along and how we all contributed and gave our all to our parenting roles in what we and others thought was an excellent, happy and healthy family environment for our daughter. Although there were the usual ups and downs, our daughter blossomed and appeared to be a happy, outgoing young girl — full of optimism, fun and positive energy.

It wasn’t until she went away to college that things changed dramatically. She began to struggle with depression and anxiety. Although she has seen a number of therapists, psychiatrists and healers over the years, she has come to believe that her family is the reason for most of her problems. What is most troubling is that she is unwilling to discuss any of this with us. She is no longer able to work and is demanding that we help to financially support her family, blaming us for many of her emotional problems.

Recently, we discovered through her husband that she is using psychedelics, specifically MDMA, a drug prescribed for anxiety, depression, PTSD and other psychiatric issues. He is much more stable than she is at this point and is a terrific father. We worry though about him, too, since he’s involved in these drug trips and has told us that he’s getting the drugs from friends on the West Coast. We do know that both are not under the care of a doctor who would be able to oversee and monitor the process.

When we have asked our daughter about this, she simply shuts down and refuses to talk with us. Most disconcerting is the fact that she’s having trouble parenting her own daughter. She recently told us that she needs to be away for a few days every week, putting even more strain on her marriage and, most importantly, causing great emotional havoc on her 6-year-old. It’s a mess.

The family is at a loss for what to do and we are hoping that you have some suggestions.

Rena G., Bridgehampton

DEAR BEATTY,

I am a physician and recent widower living in Manhattan and East Hampton. I have three grown children. Although we have all suffered as a result of my wife’s five-year battle with cancer and recent death, our children and I have always been close. Recently my 32-year-old son moved to Florida looking for work in the entertainment business. He has become very belligerent on the phone and is now accusing me of having been a terrible and absent father.

Just last week he told me that he was fired from his job and demanded I send him money for a personal trainer. He sounds very depressed and angry, and he refuses to talk to me about what’s really going on. I suggested that he come back to New York for a few days so that we can talk and, together, figure out a plan. He categorically refused and continues to verbally abuse me on the phone.

During our last conversation, he told me to never call him again. Do you think that I should continue sending him money? I’m really worried that he may hurt himself if I don’t. I would really appreciate your thoughts.

Jon B., Southampton

DEAR RENA AND JON,

I’m so sorry for you and for your children’s struggles. There is nothing more upsetting than seeing our children suffer. What’s worse is when they refuse to talk to us so that we all might be able to better understand the underlying issues and, together, work out a viable plan moving forward. The art of meaningful and caring conversation is something that people are less and less able and willing to try.

The reality is that unless people (and governments) are willing to come together and begin the process of trying to work out our differences, nothing will ever get resolved.

DOS AND DON’TS

1. Beginning today, I would not allow your children (or anyone for that matter) to verbally abuse or disrespect you any longer. No exceptions! This has to stop now, and you are the only one who can set the boundary lines. Being emotionally abused by an adult child hurts both the parents and the child, so know your value!

2. I would not simply send them money without a discussion of how the money is to be used and for what period of time you may be willing to financially help.

3. I would suggest to your children that you would be open (if it’s financially possible) to help pay for both individual and family therapy for a certain period of time. This time could be extended if all parties are truly committed to the therapeutic process of healing. When there are family problems, it can be very harmful and dangerous if the therapy does not include family members (assuming, of course, that the person feels safe to be around the family). Hearing the entire family’s perspective is very important if the therapist is to get the full picture. Over the many years of practice, I’ve seen entire families destroyed by incompetent therapists and healers who buy into an individual’s story without being curious and willing enough to hear the rest of the story.

Rena and Jon, please let me know if I can be helpful in any way moving forward.

Beatty Cohan, MSW, LCSW, AASECT is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly “Ask Beatty Show” on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in NYC and East Hampton.

Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send your questions and comments to her at BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more info, go to beattycohan.com.