Piping Plover Infestation Delays Hamptons Subway

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Singers Tori Amos and Miley Cyrus, whose competing and very similar albums have been battling for the No.1 position on the Billboard charts, got into an altercation with one another on our Quogue platform. Police charged both of them with assault for striking each other with very cute little stuffed animals.

TWO NEW SUBWAY CUSTOMERS

Alice Boontoggle, the token booth clerk at the Noyac platform, left her post Monday at 4:23 p.m. to help straphanger Helen Rizinski give birth there on the platform. Afterwards, apparently encouraged by the success of her effort, Boontoggle herself gave birth at 4:59 p.m., assisted by Georgette Milton, a summer person coming down the escalator who said she just happened to be a nurse.

Both babies, Tom Wallace Hickenroper III, 8 pounds 6 ounces, and Angelina Jolie Rizinski-Cohen, 10 pounds 5 ounces, are doing just fine, thank you very much. Passersby kept watch on the token booth during the twin affairs to keep those up to no good from cleaning out the till.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

A “happy anniversary” goes out to Florence Krapalick, our Hampton Bays token booth operator, who has just completed one full year of a court-mandated anger management program.

TRUMP ENDORSES GEORGE SANTOS

As you know, George Santos, who was kicked out of Congress for various transgressions last year, was subsequently hired to be the new general manager for Hamptons Subway. He reports directly to Commissioner Bill Aspinall. And his contract, with an eight-figure payout given to him in advance for three years, sealed the deal. Well, everyone is very excited about it. After all, when he was just 16 growing up in Brazil, he was elected as the general manager of the biggest subway system in South America — his father owned the line — and he is full of knowledge we can use.

Last week, however, Santos announced that he is running for Congress in our 1st district, is leaving Hamptons Subway and intends to keep the money paid him, filing a lawsuit claiming sexual harassment because of his years-ago gender change.

We are all shocked at this, having expected so much. But yesterday, he got a full-fledged endorsement from former President Donald Trump on Truth Social, who said “People don’t like it when I tell the truth every day. Well, my pal George tells the truth, maybe not every day but at least once a week. And he is going to make a great return congressman. And, of course, he can keep the money.”

So that’s that.

FLEA CIRCUS PETITION DENIED

We’ve had some curious dealings with the Charleston Flea Circus Company of Charleston, South Carolina. The manager of the circus, a man named Billings, tried to reserve a car on the subway for two weeks so passengers could enjoy the services of his dedicated troupe as they performed for that period. We told him that we do not reserve cars and that riders simply get on whatever car they wish, but he pointed out that according to past newsletters, we have occasionally reserved certain cars for weddings and brisses and such, and he said he was willing to pay whatever it was we charged those people, and if we would not accept his request he would sue.

The Hamptons, he had been told, was the most fabulous resort in America and he wanted his team of fleas to be part of it.

This request was brought up at the next board meeting of Hamptons Subway and, with the company lawyer there urging that we accept the request out of fear of a discrimination lawsuit, the board took a vote which ended in a tie at 4 to 4, with the commissioner on vacation in Las Vegas and unable to vote because of his being in the middle of a “day of beauty” at the Royal Valley Spa.

It was suggested that the matter be postponed until the following day, but in the end, a proposal was put on the table that we reject the application because we didn’t want to be infested with fleas. This was approved 8 to 0, and the flea circus was informed. No lawsuit has yet been filed.

DELAY

There will be a delay on the Montauk to Westhampton line of one half hour next Monday afternoon at 4 p.m. to give our maintenance people the opportunity to go down into the subway tunnel between East Hampton and Wainscott and clean out an infestation of piping plovers. The men will be armed.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

The problems with the confusion on the subway system last Thursday afternoon with people getting off and on the trains at the wrong stops has been fixed, and we apologize for any inconveniences.

The problems arose when Harriet Marber, the new voice of the Hamptons Subway, had to pick up her 5-year-old daughter at the Hampton Bays Bo Peep Grammar School when the usual woman who does that was unable to do so. Visiting with Marber at the subway’s Hampton Bays headquarters was her Uncle Marco, here in America to visit the family from his home in Italy. He enthusiastically offered to take over the calling of the stops over the subway intercom system for the hour she would have to be away, and though she was skeptical at first, she finally, to her regret, was won over by his enthusiasm.

Unfortunately, his command of English is not too good. A little yellow light would light up on the console as one of the trains approached the Amagansett station — Hamptons Subway has never modernized this 70-year-old system — and Marco was supposed to announce “Next stop Amaganasett.” Then when the light turned red he was supposed to say, “Watch out for the closing doors,” which apparently came out over the loudspeakers on that train as, “Watch-a-out for the Whatchamacallits.” He also had station names wrong and other matters incorrect as various other lights blinked on or off. There are usually eight trains at one time that have to be monitored. It’s not easy.

We regret the inconvenience. It was repaired as soon as Marber returned.