George Santos Resigns as Hamptons Subway Manager

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Rosanne Cash, in town last week to perform at the Westhampton Beach Performing Arts Center, was on the Sag Harbor platform Thursday talking to Itzhak Perlman, the celebrated violinist, apparently about the Perlman Music Program’s 30th anniversary, according to our spy.

ROBBER CAUGHT BY CLOSING DOORS

There was a lot of excitement between the Southampton and Hampton Bays stations last Friday afternoon. At about 6 p.m., a man boarded at Southampton and apparently held up a passenger on the train and demanded his wallet as the train headed for the Hampton Bays stop 20 minutes away. It is very rare that we have any crime on our subways.

Indeed, this is the first such thing in more than a year. In any case, another passenger on that train, seeing this, promptly called the main subway office and told them what was happening, and suggested to our alert secretary that she call ahead to the motorman to try to get him to open, and then quickly close, the sliding doors when the train stopped at the Hampton Bays platform to try to nab the perp.

Astonishingly, this procedure worked, and the robber was pinched.

Subway police quickly arrived, removed the robber from where the closing doors had caught him by the jacket, and took him away. He is currently under arrest. The wallet was found in the robber’s trousers pocket.

FINAL WEEK OF NEW TRACK WORK

The Quogue to Westhampton Beach stretch will be closed this week from Monday to Wednesday as the final stretch of new track is laid on our system. The track lasts 30 years, but the Metropolitan Transportation Authority requires us to replace it every 10. We don’t know why. On Friday, the whole system will be full of this new track.

FAREWELL GEORGE SANTOS

As everyone knows, former Congressman George Santos was hired four months ago to be the new general manager of the Hamptons Subway, reporting directly to Commissioner Bill Aspinall. It became controversial, however, because just three weeks after we hired him — signing a contract and paying him an annual seven-figure salary in advance — he announced that he would be campaigning again for a congressional seat, this time for the seat in the district that covers the Hamptons. His contract with the subway strictly forbids his taking on other full-time employment.

Well, now it turns out he will do neither. Yesterday, he announced that he has resigned from his job with us, withdrawn his plan to run for Congress, and instead will be employed by Elon Musk as the president of a revolutionary new coast-to-coast subway system that will carry passengers from New York to Los Angeles in just 62 seconds. Santos’ Vacuum-Tube Warp-Speed Engines, (VTWSE), patented by him under another name, will power this subway in a way never seen before when the NYLAS (New York–Los Angeles Subway) opens to the public in 2029.

We wish him well. He’s had such an interesting past, managing the largest subway system in Brazil at age 15 at the behest of his father, who owned it, then getting graduate degrees from Harvard and Yale at the same time before going out in the world to make his way. What a man!

NEW SUBWAY TUNNEL?

Maintenance men at the Amagansett station accidentally touched a concrete panel in the wall just to the east of that station, which caused the panel to raise up, revealing a strange, dark passageway to somewhere. After some discussion, another maintenance man climbed up and into the passageway to report that there was a small space where he could stand up and at eye level press a black button on the wall if he chose to do so.

It is believed by many that this is the legendary spur to Beach Hampton, built in 1929 as the last piece of the original subway line but never finished. Archaeologists believe that if the black button is pressed, a poison will be released from a sprayer in the wall, killing the presser, or primitive spears will fire down from a slingshot affair from above. Or maybe a large, round boulder will crush the presser. No one is taking any chances yet.

THE HAMPTONS SUBWAY BEACH SPURS

Here are the rules for the Summer Beach Spurs, open Memorial Day to Labor Day, taking beachgoers from downtown Southampton and East Hampton to Coopers Beach and Main Beach:

Disrobing in the tunnels is not permitted.

People in wet bathing suits will be permitted, but only if they stand.

Singing and dancing is permitted.

Beach blankets, folding chairs and umbrellas are permitted, if on wheels.

Surfboards are permitted as long as they will fit through the sliding doors.

Frisbees and beach balls may not be taken aboard the subway unless in zippered carriers. Otherwise they could bounce away and bother others.

All passengers must not interfere with the Roomba carpet and sand extractors as they continually clean the subway floors.

No recorded music in excess of 85 decibels is allowed on the beach subway spurs, unless it’s by The Beach Boys.

No alcoholic beverages permitted on the summer subway lines unless in sealed cans or bottles.

No pushing or fighting on the subway.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has taken notice of the novel way we caught the potential wallet robber on the subway at the Hampton Bays station last Thursday. $24 million in federal stimulus funding has now been earmarked to place overhead surveillance cameras aboard all the trains in the system beginning November 1.

Watched over by a NASA-level monitoring team in the new floor being built atop our Hampton Bays headquarters, the monitors will be able, on a moment’s notice, to radio the motorman on any train in the system, who will then, on command, be able to pinch any person suspected of anything as he or she gets on or off any subway car at any station.

Hamptons Subway has been chosen because of its alert capture of the robber who was on the system last Thursday. Hamptons Subway will be the only subway system in the country to have this sophisticated nabbing system. If it works, it will go nationwide. Hamptons Subway is always first with new ideas.