Ask Beatty: Are Skeletons in Your Closet Getting in the Way of Your Life & Relationships?

For over 35 years, I have treated thousands of men and women of every age and stage in life, socioeconomic background, religion, race, ethnicity and sexual orientation, who contacted me with problems including: depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, sexual abuse, domestic violence, substance of abuse of every kind and relationship and sexual problems.

The majority had good jobs, were financially stable and appeared to have a network of supportive family, friends and colleagues. On the surface they seemed happy. However, behind closed doors, they were struggling. Many were drinking excessively and taking too many prescription and over-the-counter drugs.

A third were beginning to develop a variety of physical problems including high blood pressure and insomnia. Through our therapy they were able to see that the happy and confident persona that they presented to the world was mostly an act. Performing had become a way of life. When they finally had enough of the act and were tired of feeling bad, they made the courageous decision to reach out and ask for help. This was not an easy decision, especially for the many male CEOs and captains of industry, who were used to being in control. Their hope was that they could finally begin to live a genuinely happy, authentic and joyful life. The good news is that most succeeded — with a lot of blood, sweat and tears.

When people begin therapy with me, the first place I look to understand their problems and behavior is their family background. People unwittingly and unconsciously often play out the dynamics of their original family in their significant relationships. In understanding what they learned and didn’t learn growing up, my clients soon begin to see that their unfinished business stemming from their families of origin is the primary reason why they continue to struggle as adults in their current lives and relationships. It’s through the therapeutic process that they can see how their self-destructive, destructive and self-sabotaging behavior stemmed from their unresolved old issues.

Since we can’t change our histories in terms of what did and didn’t happen as children, the goal in therapy is to, once and for all, emotionally help people define, clarify and emotionally work through (as best as we can) the skeletons in their closet that prevent them from living a happy life.

What events and people in your current situation are preventing you from living a healthy and joyful life?

CASE HISTORY

Serena is a very attractive 60-year-old married woman with two married daughters and grandchildren. She worked as a nurse practitioner for many years and is now retired. Her husband, Robert, is a real estate tycoon, with dozens of properties around the world. Serena and Robert have been married for almost 35 years. Serena first contacted me when she discovered that Robert was having an affair. To the outside world, their marriage and life seemed like a fairytale. The reality is quite different. Robert’s constant put-downs and criticisms rarely stop. Although he promised to end his affair, Serena is unconvinced that the other woman is actually out of the picture. Her husband refuses to talk about it. The best way to describe their marriage is like being on a never-ending roller coaster, with Robert always steering the course and speed of the ride.

When I first started to work with Serena, she told me that as an only child, she learned early on that if there was to be peace in her home, she needed to be compliant. She was expected to be the perfect little girl. She recently told me that she can’t remember even a single incident in her childhood when her parents would ask her how she felt about anything. And on the rare occasion when she misbehaved, her parents would slap her across the face. She also told me that she felt that it was her job to make her parents happy. At an early age, Serena unconsciously learned two very self-destructive and important lessons. The first: My needs and feelings aren’t important. The second: Regardless of how I’m being treated, I will not express my true feelings. And so, this early dynamic and pattern of behavior carried into her adult life and marriage. She believed that it was her duty to always be the “perfect” wife. And worse, she blames herself for the problems in her marriage.

UPDATE

Serena has finally learned why she was never able to confront her husband’s insensitive, controlling and at times cruel behavior. She also now has clarity about what a healthy relationship is and isn’t. When she contacted me, she was determined to change. And so she has! Her husband is none too pleased with his wife’s new assertiveness. He keeps telling her that he misses his old wife and that her therapy is ruining their marriage. When Serena suggested that he join us in couples therapy, he refused. Recently, he threatened to stop paying for her therapy sessions (she has no money of her own) even though their joint net worth is over one billion dollars. Serena has contacted a divorce attorney and a forensic accountant and is weighing her options. She is continuing her therapy with me.

Beatty Cohan, MSW, LCSW, AASECT is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly “Ask Beatty Show” on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in NYC and East Hampton.

Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send your questions and comments to her at BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more info, go to beattycohan.com.