Hamptons Subway Tunnel from Sag Harbor to Foxwoods Stalled Again

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Sarah Jessica Parker, Martha Stewart, Jerry Seinfeld, Cindy Adams and Itzhak Perlman were sitting together going eastbound from Southampton last Wednesday evening. They said that they were headed to a private party, but they wouldn’t tell us where. They got off in Amagansett.

EMERGENCY WARNING CHANGED

Riders of the subway system should note that beginning next Friday, the signal to evacuate the subway and the signal for all clear are changing. Until now, one toot from the subway horn meant evacuate, two toots meant all clear. After next Friday, two toots will mean evacuate and one toot will mean all clear. We are making this change as a result of orders from the Homeland Security Advisory Council.

TROUBLE ON THE DIG TO FOXWOODS

The subway system continues to experience problems in our attempt to dig a tunnel from Sag Harbor to Foxwoods Resort Casino. The first attempt resulted in the discovery of oil under Long Island Sound, a find which proved disastrous to the subway crews digging the tunnel when oil flooded their work.

A second attempt was to create a great semicircle around the oil. Out of Sag Harbor, the tunnel turned west at Long Island Sound and ran just offshore underwater to Port Jefferson where it turned north and headed for Bridgeport, Connecticut. The intention was to turn east once it neared that city to continue on along the shore of Connecticut and back to Foxwoods.

By last week, it was supposed to just arrive off Bridgeport to begin the second 90-degree turn, but when that right turn was dug with the heavy machinery, the tunnel broke through into the tunnel that had already been dug. Apparently, the turn was much more than just 90 degrees. It had made a complete loop. Since the tracks now link up with the tracks coming the other way, all construction has now halted until the workmen find out what they are supposed to do besides go back to Port Jefferson.

KIM JONG-UN HERE

Kim Jong-Un, the supreme leader of North Korea, was entertained by the Lone Sharks band when he arrived at Gabreski Airport in Westhampton last Thursday to tour the Hamptons Subway system. He came here directly from Pyongyang aboard his Aeroflot plane where members of his honor guard, arriving earlier aboard another aircraft, stood lining the runway with their smart white uniforms, large hats and Kalasnikov machine guns at the ready. A South Korean-made black limousine, a Hyundai Octozoom, took him to the subway entrance; the steps of the entrance going down were festooned with white orchids. He and his entourage toured the entire system, all 16 stops, getting off briefly at each to tap on the walls and, in two instances, on the ceilings. Nearly 200 North Korean flags lined every tunnel.

Kim spoke to Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall and they shook hands vigorously at the end of the tour. Through an interpreter, Kim said that he thought the Hamptons Subway might be the perfect model for a Pyongyang Subway he’s considering building under that fair city, strong enough to allow the citizenry to survive an American nuclear attack; but in fact, he now thought differently about that after being here.

Kim left at 2 p.m. after a small lunch of figs and sliced Kobe beef with the commissioner.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S WEEKLY MESSAGE

I was privileged to spend much of last Friday with North Korean strongman Kim Jong-Un as I accompanied him in touring the Hamptons Subway from Westhampton Beach to Montauk that day. I can tell you from personal experience that he is a nice man with a pleasant smile, and although he doesn’t look you in the eye when he talks to you, he doesn’t look at his shoes, either. He looks sort of sideways. He personally promised me that he would never, ever drop a nuclear bomb on any American city as long as he was in power. His nuclear bombs are merely for defense, he told me. I looked deep into his eyes — he did glance at me for a moment — and I could see that he was telling the truth. He then told me that he feared a nuclear attack from America and I laughed and assured him that this was not the case, as I personally knew our government’s intentions and that is not what we have in mind; even though once, we did drop a big bomb out that way, but that’s another story.

He said he was sorry to say that he was disappointed in the construction of our subway and it would not be necessary for us to provide him with its plans, as he found several weaknesses in the construction by poking it with a stick there from the underside. It is not going to be a good model for the capital of North Korea. He advised me to have parts of our subway system propped up with two-by-fours until safety people and construction workers could rebuild in those places, but he did not mention any particular spots by name. He then thanked me again regardless for the tour. A nice man, very honest, everything considered.

Former President Donald Trump had hoped to join us on this tour but unfortunately had to be in court that day. However, I did brief him during a 10-minute court recess.

I am now off to Washington, D.C., for a further debriefing with Four-Star Gen. James McConville, who is flying in from Kabul to join us.

ANOTHER MESSAGE FROM THE COMMISSIONER

A few days ago, I began receiving reports that one of the subway cars had advertisements above the windows for hemorrhoids, debt consolidation, pawn shops, loans, antacids, legal services and pregnancy options. Puzzled, I looked into it and found that our new public relations manager, John Beckerman, without any orders from above, has recreated a nostalgia car, where straphangers can enjoy what the subways were like back in the 1970s. This car is filthy. It’s littered with candy wrappers, covered with graffiti, and it has these very offensive ads over the windows.

Beckerman has been fired after just four days into his new job. We’ve had many public relations professionals in the last few years. This is the fewest number of days that any PR man has worked for the subway system since Carl Murgatroid’s disastrous work in April 2007.