Hamptons Subway Says Goodbye to Sammy the Cat

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Former President Bill Clinton was seen on the Water Mill platform carrying a bat and baseball. He was headed over to the sandlot baseball field in East Hampton where, he said, he intended to do batting practice with former New York City Police Commissioner Ray Kelly, both of whom in years past have umpired the annual East Hampton Artists & Writers Charity Softball Game, scheduled this year for August 17.

SAMMY KILLED. SURVEILLANCE ON SUBWAY CARS ENDED

The Hamptons Subway video surveillance system aboard all subway cars was abandoned last Friday by order of the subway commissioner after less than a month in service. The order came just hours after Sammy, the beloved black cat of Motorman Horace Steinway, was killed by the closing doors due to human error — specifically, the behavior of Ethel Auchinsloss, one of the new video surveillance monitors working in the newly built control room at our Hampton Bays headquarters, who thought the black cat was either about to commit a terrorist act or was just a bad omen, which is what black cats are. In any case, she’s afraid of cats. When she saw the cat creeping toward the open doors to get off the subway at the Westhampton Beach stop, she made the call to the motorman, Steinway told him there was a need to make a pinch, and he, following procedure, killed his own cat by hitting the closing door override button as Sammy tried to step out for a drink.

Of course, when the subway police showed up and saw what had happened, they burst into tears. Sammy has been following Motorman Steinway everywhere for the past four years. He followed him to work, he stayed in the car and, because the rocking of the car spills water in bowls, he only got off for a drink of water at any of the stops — bowls were set up on every platform and everybody knew that — except, of course, Mrs. Auchinsloss, who is new in these parts.

Losing their jobs over this decision to shut down the surveillance system are seven dedicated surveillance camera monitors, two maintenance men and a clerk. Of course, our subways are that much more dangerous without the surveillance, but it is a risk that simply has to be taken. In any case, the commissioner has ordered all the cameras to remain up and visible in all the cars anyway, but because the little red light won’t be on, most people will know what happened.

We are told the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) is looking into this matter. There may be a lawsuit from an environmental group, although at the moment they are reported struggling to find some law that has been broken. The Department of Homeland Security is also looking into the matter to find other means of routing terrorists and other wrongdoers.

Motorman Steinway is in mourning and is being given a week off with pay. Cards may be addressed to him at his home at 2512 Motor Parkway, Shirley, New York 10032. The funeral is to be this Friday.

NEW PR DIRECTOR NAMED

Harold Backerman, a former assistant director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency in New Orleans, has been named the new Hamptons Subway public relations director. Backerman is the fifth PR director for the subway this year. This is a record.

JAPANESE U.N. BIGWIGS TOUR HAMPTONS SUBWAY

A delegation of 11 Japanese diplomats, led by Japanese Assistant Ambassador to the U.N. Myota Hasagowa, was hosted by senior executives of the Hamptons Subway on a special junket all day last Wednesday. Leaving Manhattan at 7 a.m. by bus, they were met by our new PR director, Harold Backerman, at the entrance to our most westerly major subway stop in Westhampton Beach at 9 a.m., where they were immediately taken down to the platform for a breakfast buffet set up behind a curtain at the most easterly end so the regular straphangers wouldn’t get at it. There, they were given a 30-minute slide show history lesson about the subway by Dr. Bart Waldbaum, assistant professor of American history at the Eastern Suffolk Community College.

Backerman then brought them to see the bronze life-size statue of Commissioner Bill Aspinall and former President Donald Trump, arms around each other’s shoulders, in a storage room since the new law prohibiting electioneering on the subway was passed and Democrats insisted that the statue was electioneering and had to be removed from the platform and put into storage. That was in 2016. It will be put back out, of course, if Trump wins the current election. The group then climbed aboard a subway car, and the tour continued with stops at each of our 22 other subway platforms where, after everybody got off, Dr. Waldbaum explained the architectural differences and individuality of the platforms.

At each, the visitors took pictures of the different station names embedded in different-colored wall tiles, the newsstand and the token booths, even though flash photography was not permitted because it might upset the regular straphangers. At 6 p.m., having visited all the platforms, the Japanese officials arrived back in Westhampton Beach where they boarded the waiting busses for the trip back to New York City. A good time was had by all.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I am cutting short my vacation in Aspen to be home to attend the funeral of Sammy Steinway at the Bideawee in Westhampton Beach on Friday and will see you there. I am told it will be an open-casket event, so everyone will be able to give Sammy one last scratch behind the ears. We all offer our greatest condolences to Steinway on his loss. If there is anything further I can do about this matter, Steinway knows how to reach me.

Ethel Auchinsloss was, of course, summarily fired over this incident, given no severance, vacation or parachute — golden or otherwise — and told to leave the building with her personal possessions within 10 minutes, which she did. She’d been on the job just two days.

The section about Sammy in the training manual, which Mrs. Auchinsloss clearly failed to read, will also now have to be removed and the manual reprinted because of Sammy’s demise.