Researchers Learn Trump Built the Hamptons Subway

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

On Sunday afternoon, radio personality Howard Stern and screenwriter Bill Collage were trying to talk very loud to be heard to one another as the subway came squealing around the Trout Pond bend between Noyac and Sag Harbor, but we couldn’t hear what they were saying either, except it was something about a new movie.

RECORD NUMBER OF RIDERS

The Hampton Subway, which was shut down on May 10 by the New York State Gov. Kathy Hochul because of what was said to be managerial incompetence, was finally reopened on June 1, too late for the Memorial Day weekend — which was such a traffic mess up above — but as a welcome transportation system nevertheless. Hooray! People flocked in record numbers to ride it. Many just stayed on it and went around and around, so happy to have it back.

DID YOU KNOW THAT DONALD TRUMP BUILT THE HAMPTON SUBWAY?

It has been recently learned that former President Donald Trump built the Hamptons Subway, not Ivan Kratz, a builder who was jailed after it was said he built it in 1927. It turns out that Kratz was jailed before he could start construction, and, while in jail, he turned over the plans for the subway system to Trump. He was on his deathbed when he did this. And Trump was just 10 years old. But young Trump promised Kratz that when he grew older he would build it and, true to his word, he did. This information was recently passed on to us by U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Green, sending us the plans with Kratz’s wavy and failing signature plus the date on it, on behalf the Republican National Committee. Kratz died within a week later.

Trump knows nothing about this. But what is needed now is a recently fired journalist, and there are many, who can be rehired by The Trump Organization to correct any book or magazine or online story that falsely attributes Hampton Subway to Ivan Kratz, to reflect what we now know to be true.

CROWD OF DEMONSTRATORS DEMONSTRATE IN ALBANY TO GET HAMPTON SUBWAY REOPENED

Two thousand angry Hampton Subway riders were in Albany on Thursday night, May 30, to protest against the governor’s temporary closing of the subway between May 10 and June 1 and her stated desire to have it closed permanently after that. The plan was to hold a surprise demonstration in front of the governor’s mansion at 6 a.m. the next morning to wake her up.

However, at 6 a.m., just as the demonstration began, Gov. Kathy Hochul, having stayed all night at the state office building a mile away dealing with a pile of work and having no idea there was any demonstration planned, now saw on her desk from the state Assembly the legislation she had proposed to shut Hampton Subway permanently because of how badly it was run. She raised her pen, then, thinking further about it, changed her mind. Instead of signing — and keep in mind this was her own idea — she vetoed it. The Hampton Subway could reopen June first.

An hour later, the demonstrators, still unaware of the governor’s veto, were chanting and marching back and forth. Soon afterward, they set on fire an oversize effigy of the governor that had been built as a 30-foot-tall papier-mâché scarecrow at the Watermill Center, then they slid it up into the back of one of the longer busses for the trip to Albany. Now, here it was, standing tall in front of the mansion, then bursting into flames. Police kept the fire from spreading by shooting mace at it. And the Albany Fire Department eventually joined in putting it out. By 7:30 a.m., nearly 200 people were arrested, police broke up the demonstration, and the rest headed back to the busses for the 9-hour trip back to Southampton, still chanting that the governor must not shut Hampton Subway permanently.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

It is a pleasure to be the recipient of still another major award given out here in Las Vegas by a major subway organization concerned with public safety. Hampton Subway has moved nearly a million riders entirely without anybody dying because of the subway ride since the beginning of the year. Oh, we’ve had a few people who did, but in every case, they were old and they died from natural causes and not because of the subway ride.

On another matter, my congratulations go out to our faithful riders and their families — who got together and pooled their resources to hire 22 busses to take them up to Albany to demonstrate against Gov. Kathy Hochul, who says that as soon as the legislation to close Hampton Subway permanently reaches her desk, she will sign it. I’m told that the temporary closing has already caused a huge mess over the busy Memorial Day weekend. I would have been there myself, except that I had to be in Las Vegas for this darned award. Major public personalities were expected here for the occasion and so the date of it could not be changed. Those expected included President Joe Biden and Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador along with Academy Award-winner Julianne Moore and the new Polish tennis sensation Iga Swiatek, and though in the end, bad weather forced them all to not be able to get here in time, I was told that they themselves were very disappointed that they were unable to come until later when, of course, it was all over.

I am taking the opportunity while in this neck of the woods to take a well-needed vacation, and so I am writing this in Squaw Valley, where I expect to be for the next two weeks with my faithful secretary Ramone. Expect me back two weeks from Thursday.

I hope this demonstration gets the governor to come to her senses.

Fight on.